This Body

A lot of people have posted a lot of opinions about the recent "Dear Fat People" YouTube video.  I wasn't going to say anything because I feel like it is unnecessarily mean and it gives the mean person power.  

But it made me think. Think about the stereotypes of people who are overweight and what they can or cannot do and will or will not do.  And it made me think about how mean I can be, especially to myself.

So rather than write an angry email to the video-maker or a scathing Facebook post I wrote myself a little list.  A list of all the things my body does and has...some are good, some not-so-good, but they're all of the wonderful things that make me who am I and break some of the stereotypes about overweight people.

And this list makes me love myself a little bit more and that's the most important part...

This Body:

Used to need a seat belt extender on airplanes

Used to be too big to ride rollercoasters

Sits all day at work

Needs glasses

Has big feet

Has tan arms

Has a not-so-tan stomach

Has an “inny”

Has stretchmarks

Has a sweet ass

Has a sense of humor

Wears dresses

Wears sweats

Wears spandex

Wears glide

Rocks skinny jeans

Rocks big earrings

Rocks high heels

Rocks running shoes

Needs a pedicure

Carries my nieces and nephews

Carries a purse

Carries groceries

Carries the weight of the world

Lifts weights

Swims with the kids

Swims laps

Plays Ultimate Frisbee

Plays Dodgeball

Plays

Sweats profusely

Sweats off make-up

Rides bikes

Does pilates

Hugs my mom

High-fives my dad

Dances with my friends

Kisses boys

Makes toasts

Makes toast

Loves pizza

Loves veggies

Loves milkshakes

Runs up stairs

Runs errands

Runs every weekend

Runs

Crosses finish lines

Finishes triathlons

Finishes marathons

Is obese

Is beautiful

Gratitude

“I wanna get back to my city by the bay...” ~Journey

What a difference a year makes.   It can change a body, a mind, an attitude.  From one year to the next you could have a baby, get a new job, move, fall in love. 

Last year was rough. I was injured for the majority of it.  I was told I shouldn’t run by several medical professionals.  One told me that if they had met me prior to my running obsession they would have told me to pick a different sport.  Another told me I shouldn’t run marathons.

Uh, PEOPLE?  Those ships have sailed.

So, I spent 2014 toughing it out.  Trying to fix what was broken ( a partial tear in the tendon that attaches my hammie to my glute) and trying to get stronger. 

I was lucky enough to be an Ambassador for The San Francisco Marathon last year and didn’t want to miss on the experience.  So even though I had to suffer through my very first DNS, I still went to San Francisco and volunteered for the weekend. I was so glad to meet my fellow ambassadors and the other members of the SF Marathon team and to be of service.

But I won’t lie, not running SUCKED!! Like, big time.

I needed sweet redemption. I needed to finish what I started.  I needed to run the 2^nd half of the SF Marathon like a boss.

So I did.

I didn’t have the best time of my running career (that is STILL the 1^st Half of the SF Marathon in 2013), but I had THE. BEST. TIME.

I am just so grateful to be running.  I’m so happy to be able to pin on a bib, charge up my Garmin and jump around to keep warm in a corral. 

I feel 10 times stronger than I did a year ago.  Even though I am slow and still and doing intervals.  I’m getting better.

There is a statistic I read somewhere that said if you take more than 3 months off from running, it’s like starting over.

Well, I took 7 months off, but I didn’t have to start from scratch.  I’m still thinner than I was when I started.  Although I gained some weight while injured, I’m nowhere near as big as I was.

I am slower, but stronger. I spent 7 months in physical therapy working with multiple people to strengthen my legs and to run properly so I wouldn’t injure myself again.

I run smarter. It is AWESOME to finish a race and have tired legs, but NOT be in pain.   And feel awesome the next day.  I ran a half marathon on Sunday, did weight training (including legs) on Tuesday and speed work on Wednesday.

I have learned to be a better runner and that doesn’t mean going fast, it means running stronger. The rest will come.  I’m taking off weight and building speed every day. 

But for now slow, steady, joyful runs are what I have….what I’ve really always wanted.

I am filled with such gratitude for the team at TSFM for allowing me to represent them again in 2015.  The people I met are so filled with a passion for running, mentoring and helping.   My life is enriched because of these people and these experiences.

The dictionary defines gratitude in the following way:  “The quality of being thankful; readiness to show appreciation for and to return kindness”

I am thankful and I readily show my appreciation, but I don’t think I’ll ever be able to return the kindness that was shown to me. 

But, believe me, I’ll do my best.

My brother from another mother and me!

RUN here...well, not right here, but you know
what I mean

Love seeing friends from home representing!

Free beer and earned bling...my favorite way to end a race!

Actually BREAKFAST is my favorite way to end a race

Post race dinner and cocktail with Nonnie!!!!

Team OHANA!!!!

Thanks for making me an Ambassador and for the FREE race pics :)

The Journey with Mental Preparedness: When a Finish is a Win

From the SF Marathon Blog...

If anyone had asked me 5 years ago if I ever wanted to run a marathon, I would have laughed in their face. I would have made some joke about “only running if someone was chasing me” and we would have chuckled and that would have been the end of it….for a while.

Later, I would have felt sad because I believed I COULDN’T run a marathon. I believed my weight, my speed and my lack of athleticism would hold me back from ever doing something that huge. I am built more like a linebacker than a runner. My legs are thick, my shoulders broad, my stomach is more like a pony keg than a six-pack.

By 2011, when I became a runner, the answer was the same. Sure, I could bust out a 35 minute 5K. I could struggle through a half marathon and not feel like I was dying the next day, but I was no marathon runner. Leave that to the lean and the fast. Even though I had lost a significant amount of weight, I was still too big, too slow.

The first two years of my running life consisted of losing weight, training and signing up for races. As I would get fitter, I would get faster. My 5K time went from 40+ minutes to a solid 32. Between June of 2011 and August of 2012 I shaved almost 10 minutes from my 10K time. My first half marathon was barely under 3 hours. Four months later I ran a half marathon almost 20 minutes faster. I wanted this to continue. I wanted every race to be a personal record. And as I ran more races, the idea of a marathon didn’t feel that impossible. In fact, it started to feel doable.

So I registered for one.

As I trained for my first marathon in 2013, I realized that more than anything else, marathoners have to train their bodies AND their minds.   I recognized that strength, determination and motivation were important ingredients for a marathon, along with great shoes, training and support.

And somewhere along the way, I recognized that finishing was the most important part of the journey. Not breaking records, simply crossing the finish line.

And on March 17, 2013, after 6 hours, I crossed my first marathon finish line. To date, it remains the greatest day of my life.

But, true to form, I wasn’t satisfied…I wanted to do better. I wanted to go faster, be stronger, get lighter. So I started training for my next big race.

And then I got injured. It was a fluke injury that came from overuse, not enough stretching and a faulty gait, not to mention the fact that, although I’ve lost weight, I’m still more linebacker than lean.

Being injured changed everything. I missed 7 long months of running, endured my first “Did Not Start” and was told that maybe I wasn’t built for marathon distances.

But I worked on it. I went to two different Physical Therapists – one to strengthen and one to train my body to run so I would be injury-free. I swam, walked and worked out with weights. I did whatever my PT told me to do. I wore my race shirts and running shoes to therapy sessions just in case they told me I could start running. The day they cleared me for 5 minute intervals, I went straight to the gym and did 30 glorious minutes of said intervals on the treadmill.

And I signed up for my 3rd marathon.

I started training as soon as I was completely cleared and thought, “I can rock this marathon. I will be better than ever. I will come back strong and PR.”

And my body said, “Uh, Stewart?” (my body calls me by my last name like an athlete), “Yeah, we have 30 extra pounds and you haven’t been running, let’s think realistically.”

And my heart said, “Heath?” (my heart shortens my name, just like my mom does), “ You can do whatever you set your mind to…you’re magnificent.”

And my brain said, “Ms. Stewart?” (my brain behaves as if it’s my first grade teacher), “ Think, be smart, train well.”

And my soul said, “RUN!!!!!”

Beginning again after 7 months is like starting over.

To run another marathon I had to listen to my PTs, listen to my own body and put in the miles. There would be some walking. There would be some stopping to stretch. But, I would finish.

It wouldn’t be easy, but I would do it.

As my training went on and mileage got longer, I would have these long internal conversations with myself about my abilities and my expectations. I would try to be kind as I explained to myself that we are doing the best we can with what we are working with.

A finish is a win.

I believe we often become a slave to our own expectations and not meeting them. We expect so much of ourselves and don’t learn to manage those expectations, so much so that we fail to see our incredible accomplishments.

These expectations cripple us to what our potential is. They keep us from reaching for goals and dreams because we don’t want to fail.

The beauty of a road race for the average runner is that finishing, regardless of time, is a win. The simple act of deciding to do something, committing to it and following through is entirely possible when it comes to running.

So, that became my goal. I wasn’t smashing any of my previous records. I wasn’t suddenly going from injured to my previous fitness. I was simply running and finishing.

Thank goodness this was my plan leading up to the 2015 LA Marathon because as race day approached, it became apparent that my own struggles would not be all I was dealing with. March 15^th 2015 was on pace to be the hottest LA Marathon in its 30 years.

I was ahead of the game because every runner, not just me, was going to have to manage their own expectations. Race Directors encouraged people to slow down and to stop frequently.

“No problem”, I thought, “I’m doing this already.”

Race day came and I was as ready as I could be. I had prepared, not just my body, but my mind. I knew the reality of what I was facing and crossed the starting line with my best friend with two goals.

The first was to enjoy the race as much as I could. I wanted to stop when I had to, drink when I needed it, run through water when I could and hug anyone I knew on the sidelines. I did not want to have my memories of this day be filled with feelings of heat, pain and misery. I wanted joy and fun.

Secondly, I wanted to finish. I wanted to finish next to my best friend who was coming back after having her first child. I wanted to finish with a smile on my face and with a sense of accomplishment, and that word again, joy.

I knew my body could get through 26.2 miles, but our minds are more difficult to train. It is hard when things don’t end up the way you wanted to or look the way you imagined.

But I finished the race and it was exactly as I wanted it to look.

It was almost 90 degrees and I was way off my PR, but I didn’t mind. I had committed and put in the work and it paid off in the best possible way.

In every single picture caught on the course I am smiling and 7 hours and 27 minutes after I started my 3^rd marathon I ran through the finish line and yelled, “WE DID IT!” to my best friend.

Crossing the finish line!

And deep inside, I heard my body, heart, mind and soul yell, “WE DID IT!” in unison.

I made a commitment and stuck with it. Even though it was hard, even though it didn’t always look pretty, I followed through and finished.

And that, my friends, is a win.

The Space Between

I love Dave Matthews…one of my favorite songs is called “The Space Between” 

One of my favorite lines from the song goes like this, “The Space Between our wicked lies, is where we hope to keep safe from pain.”

I know this is a love song, but seeing as I’m not currently in love, I find other meaning. I’ve been thinking a lot about the “space between”.

The space that is a canyon between what I am doing and what I should be doing…

I am struggling. This is nothing new.  However, it occurred to me that I needed to really say what I should be doing. Say it out loud and make it real.

Maybe, just maybe, if I put it in the universe (aka this blog) rather than leave it hanging around in my head, where it jangles around like loose coin reminding me that it’s there but if I don’t spend it it is not really worth much, I will move closer to what I should be doing and further from what is actually happening now.

1. I work out- Maybe an hour a day, with one or two rest days depending on the week.  One day of Pilates, a few days running, maybe a spin class.  I’m not targeting anything. I’m not working until utter exhaustion. I’m simply burning calories.

 I should WORK OUT! – I need to change it up, find what will burn the fat and build the muscle.  I need to learn to get up early to get in a work out.  To really feel the burn!

 2. I take vitamins- a multi-vitamin and a fiber gummy.  That’s all

 I should take supplements- I start taking fish oils, glucosomine and other recommended supplements to go with my vitamin “regiment” and always stop.  (Start strong, slowly decrease until you’ve quit is gonna be a theme here.)

3. I am a bad sleeper- I get sick with worry and anxiety  while in bed.  My bed is a place to be horizontal and to watch Netflix and play solitaire, not a place to rest.

 I should sleep- I should make my room a place for rest and relaxation.  I should make a bedtime and stick to it, then make a wake up time and stick to it.  I should get 8 hours a night.

 4. I am unorganized- Work? Organized.  School work? Organized.  Volunteer  work? Organized.  Running plan? Organized. 

Bedroom, closet, car, laundry,  shelves, etc. etc.   A FREAKIN’ MESS!

 I should make it a goal to clean up the places I spend the most time.

 5. I eat what I want, when I want- I spend too much money eating out. I often put unhealthy food into my body.  I do not spend time fueling my machine for what I want it to do (be lighter, go faster)

 I should….shop for healthy foods, prep meals, eat clean. Treat food as fuel rather than something I have to do because I’m hungry or get to do because I’m happy, sad, lonely, etc.

 I need to bridge the gap.

I need to think about the words to Dave’s song as a long song to myself.

"The Space Between what’s wrong and right is where you’ll find me hiding, waiting for you."

I’m waiting here, for me to make changes.  If I’m going to do it, it has to be me.

That’s all,

H

The Case Against the "F" Word

The worse thing a person can call me is “fat”.

Even though I constantly call myself that when I look in the mirror or can’t fit into my pants or am running too slowly on the treadmill, I would be heartbroken if I overheard this word being directed towards me.

Even though it’s true, I feel like this word is so offensive.

This is why I can’t bring myself to understand the torrent of Facebook pages, blogs and books where a woman applauds herself for being a “Fat Runner”.

*Note- I’m about to do something I rarely do and that’s hop on a soap box.

Why do we continuously put ourselves down in the name of empowerment?  Please, tell me the reaction you would have if your daughter or sister or friend, someone that you love unconditionally, was described to you as your “fat daughter” or “fat sister” or “fat friend”.

I recognize that “fat” is in the eye of the beholder and we all have our own body dysmorphic issues, but many of the women who write these blogs and books are not even fat.  They feel uncomfortable in their own bodies.  Many of us do.  But here we are, perpetuating the myth that if your body isn’t perfect then you’re fat.   And what is perfect anyway?

When I think about the positive adjectives that describe me or the titles I’m proud to wear, I choose NOT to negate them by adding another descriptive.  Sure, I’m fat. According to any BMI scale you will find, I’m obese. 

But if someone asked me to describe myself I would say, “I’m a daughter, a sister and an honorary auntie.  I’m a coordinator, a volunteer and a caring community member.”

And I AM A RUNNER.

And I don’t need to call myself derogatory names to get my ass on the road.  I just go do it.

It is a matter of believing in yourself because you can, not because you can in spite of how much you weigh.

Please understand, I have read the books and the blogs and I feel a fierce connection with many of these women, I just don’t agree with the label.

My dad is not the most eloquent guy.  He wasn’t coming up with gems throughout my childhood to teach me lessons or make me think.  He is a straight-forward dude and he once said something to me that I have never forgotten:

“Heather, don’t call yourself bad names.  Enough people in the world will put you down.  You don’t need to do it to yourself.”

Let someone else try to hurt my feelings and call me fat. 

I, on the other hand, am going to try my best to be a kind person to everyone, including me.

Be Your Own Advocate!

I have been preaching the theme, “Be your own Advocate” to my Summer Intern.  I use this for business so he will network and feel like he has gotten the most out of this summer.

I’ve also said it when discussing my very frustrating running injury.

The universe has decided that today is the day it is going to drill this lesson in my head.

School

I am in Grad School and I really like my program.  However, I chose this program both for what it offered and its convenience.  The local community college in my area offers a University Center where accredited colleges from all over can offer degrees to those who live here so they don’t have to commute. I am in one of those programs. However, the last two terms they have not offered any courses I have not taken.  Luckily, last term I was able to find an online equivalent for my classes.  I was not so lucky for Fall 2014.  

Not only did they not offer anything at the local campus or online, but they also didn’t have anything new at the next closest campus 20 miles away. (I live in Southern California, these are “LA Traffic” miles so we're talking a 45 minute drive). 

The only place I could go was 34 miles into downtown LA.  

Once I resolved myself to the course I would have to take, got ready to go to my boss with some difficult decisions about in and out times and stopped breathing like a dragon, I emailed my advisor.  I let her know that I knew this was not her doing, but I was very frustrated and would like to know who I could send those frustrations to.  I told her I understood that these changes would not come immediately, but I hoped my feedback would make the “powers that be” a bit more cognizant in the future as I highly doubt I am the only one with these issues.  The courses are not rotating properly and anyone who started around the same time as me, has to be having the same problem.

Within 30 minutes she replied that she had spoken to her boss and they had chosen to change out one of the courses with a different one.  One I actually needed…

Running

I’ve had to be my own health advocate the last few months.  You may or may not know about my hamstring struggles.  We all know our health care system is a maze of messes and my insurance is no exception.  These are the steps I took to get a diagnosis:

1.        Make appointment with doctor 3 months out
2. .       Have work call a meeting the same time, try to re-book doctor, get pushed another month, choose to go to Nurse Practitioner
3.       Tell her about hamstring injury, get referred to PT
4. 2 weeks later finally get PT appointment, have to leave work early because PTs hours are exactly the same as work hours, have Therapist tell you that you have the absolute wrong body for running and that this first appointment –the consultation- counts as one of your 6 visits
5.  Go to your next 5 visits, put in the work, have nothing change, get recommended for 6 more
6.  Go to the next 6, have nothing change, email doctor in a panic, get doctor appointment
7. Doctor refers to Ortho, takes two more weeks to get Ortho appointment, no more PT for now because you’re out of visits.
8. FRIDAY 6/27: Finally get into Ortho, they request MRI
9. WEDNESDAY 7/9: Never get MRI referral, email (and in the email write that you will email every day until you get your MRI) get MRI appointment that day
10.   LAST FRIDAY 7/11: Two days later have Physician’s Assistant read MRI and tell you that you’ll need Cortisone Shots and you could probably run as little as 10 days post shot
11. TODAY 7/14: Get a call two days later to come in for a consultation about the glorious shot
12. Orthopedic Specialist Doc tells you that the shot is a bad idea. It’s too controversial and if it gets messed up even a little, you may need surgery. Recommends 8 more weeks of specific physical therapy. 
13. 13.   Wait for PT referral…

I’m so terrified they’re going to send me to the same PT as before that I started googling all of the PTs on the list outside of my network and sent the Orthopedist an email with this fear and my video from the LA Marathon so she wouldn’t forget me.  I told her that I was going to find the absolute best person on this list and hopefully she could back me up and get me in.

Runner’s World

That brings me to the last thing.  I may not run for a long time, but my dream is to get back at it.  I want to run…far and fast.  

Runner’s World Magazine is doing a contest to be on their cover and I want that dream too!

Won’t you take a moment, click this link and vote for me each day until August 15^th.  I would love to be in the Top 20 and right now I’m about 100 votes from there.

You can visit http://covercontest.runnersworld.com/entry/438/4hvtuhep73e4om2e26k0j10qk0 to help me make this dream come true!

If I learned anything at all today it is how important it is to advocate for yourself.  Rules are in place for a reason, but when dealing with your education or your body, use every power at your disposal to get what you need for a better future.

It's Not Easy Being Green

I LOVE Kermie!

Today, it hurt.

Not my leg, it actually feels okay, but my heart.

Since being sidelined with something nutso happening in my hamstring, I’ve struggled to articulate how I feel because all of my emotions were defeated, sad and negative. 

But this morning, I was driving to work and I was watching strangers run in this perfect weather.  June gloom is in full effect, even though it’s now July.  It will burn off later and be scorching.  But it is perfect weather for a 7am run. 

And today’s emotion was easy to pin point.

I’m jealous.

I’m jealous of people who get to run. 

Jealous that they’re logging miles, wrecking shoes and burning calories.

I’m jealous of their sweat, of their aches and pains, of their loads of laundry.

I'M GREEN WITH RUNNER ENVY!

In my mind, I know I have to take it easy and heal.  I am having a hard time convincing my heart that this is necessary.

I haven’t run in 64 days and I’m not sure when I’ll be back.

But today, with a leg that doesn’t hurt too badly, an MRI in my future and a swim planned for after work, I feel hopeful for the first time in a long time.

This has been a really rough couple of months.  Not being able to run has taken a toll on my emotions as well as my body.  

But I’ve learned a few things as well.

I learned that I like to swim, I just get bored easily.

I learned that I have to advocate for myself.  I’ve told at least 3 doctors and half a dozen physical therapists my story.  “I’m a runner”, I say, “I know we’re the worst and we don’t stop when we should, but I want to be better. I want to be healthy.  I need to run again.”

This has helped me stop comparing myself to others because no one I know has this injury.

And although it was a long time coming it has reminded me to take it easy on myself.

I was actually glad to be jealous this morning.

Jealousy is the first emotion I’ve had in the last few weeks that fired me up rather than defeated me.

So, although it’s not easy, I intend to stay green with envy until I can make someone else jealous of my miles logged, my shoes wrecked and my laundry pile growing.