Wednesday, December 26, 2012

What I Want for the New Year

2012 has been quite a year.
Looking back to Oct of 2010, my goals were simple.
1.       Lose 150 pounds in 50 pound increments
2.       Work out 3 times a week
3.       Run a 5K
You don’t start a journey thinking it will change your life the way this one did to me.
You don’t lose that first 50 pounds thinking, “I may just gain a bunch back after a while.”
But life is a journey, not a destination. 
And my journey is taking me to so many wonderful places and some not-so-wonderful ones too.
I had a FANTASTIC 2012.
I ran a half marathon in Dublin Ireland and visited what I believe is one of the most beautiful places on earth.  (Seriously, so beautiful and the nicest people EVER! Go to the airport and head there immediately!)
I did the Nike Women’s Half Marathon and got my first Tiffany necklace.
I ran 20 organized races for a total of 175+miles.  I trained over 700 miles.
I graduated from college (finally) and got accepted in Grad School.
I met and exceeded some goals.
But, I lost sight of some too.
In July, I hit my lowest weight in years with an 85 pound weight loss. 
Today, I’m up almost 30 of those pounds.
When I started it was easy. Watch calories and move. In those days, I was diligent. I was fierce.
Now, I’m kind of “MEH?”
Before, when I was grossly overweight and unhappy, I blamed my unhappiness on my weight.  It’s hard to face your shortcomings (whether real or imagined) when your scapegoat is gone.
I’m proud of what I’ve accomplished, but I’m kicking myself for what I haven’t.
I don’t want people to feel sorry for me. I don’t want to be the poor pathetic girl, but I feel that way.
If I’m not the Superhuman Running Weight Losing Machine, who am I?
This is what was MINE. I don’t have a significant other or children. I don’t own a home to decorate. My job is a job not a career.
Running and weight loss is what I had that fired me up and filled my life. People got sick of me talking about it. But running and weight loss has been my home, boyfriend and kid for the past year. If I don’t have it, who am I?
Do I become the girl who can’t get a date, let alone a boyfriend? 5 friends got engaged in the last 5 days. And as happy as I am for them, I’m more sad for my lonely self.
Am I the girl in the dead end job?  I’m living paycheck to paycheck. I’m in debt to my earlobes. I am looking, but the economy blah blah blah….I’m grateful to have a job, but I want something that makes me want to get out of bed.
I think this all comes down to one word.  Passion.
I’m missing passion in my life.
I don’t have a passionate love life.
I don’t have a job that gives me passion and purpose.
And now running and weight loss has become like a job.  I pretty much quit the weight loss gig and training for the marathon has become something I have to schedule and sacrifice for.  Don’t get me wrong. I WANT to lose more weight, I WANT run and I WANT to do the marathon, but I also WANT to feel FIRED UP about it.
So, my resolution in 2013 is to find the passion that I seem to be lacking right now. I want to feel ON FIRE about my life again.
I want to find the passionate I felt about running and becoming healthier and thinner again. I want to find joy and passion in other areas of my life as well.
So, for 2013 my goals are going to be vague.
I want to live a genuine life every day.
I want as much weight as possible.
I want to run as much as I can.
I want to find passion wherever I can.
Vague and simple, but HUGE!
I’m ready…bring it on 2013.

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