Tuesday, July 1, 2014

It's Not Easy Being Green

I LOVE Kermie!

Today, it hurt.

Not my leg, it actually feels okay, but my heart.
Since being sidelined with something nutso happening in my hamstring, I’ve struggled to articulate how I feel because all of my emotions were defeated, sad and negative. 
But this morning, I was driving to work and I was watching strangers run in this perfect weather.  June gloom is in full effect, even though it’s now July.  It will burn off later and be scorching.  But it is perfect weather for a 7am run. 

And today’s emotion was easy to pin point.
I’m jealous.
I’m jealous of people who get to run. 
Jealous that they’re logging miles, wrecking shoes and burning calories.
I’m jealous of their sweat, of their aches and pains, of their loads of laundry.


In my mind, I know I have to take it easy and heal.  I am having a hard time convincing my heart that this is necessary.
I haven’t run in 64 days and I’m not sure when I’ll be back.
But today, with a leg that doesn’t hurt too badly, an MRI in my future and a swim planned for after work, I feel hopeful for the first time in a long time.
This has been a really rough couple of months.  Not being able to run has taken a toll on my emotions as well as my body.  

But I’ve learned a few things as well.
I learned that I like to swim, I just get bored easily.
I learned that I have to advocate for myself.  I’ve told at least 3 doctors and half a dozen physical therapists my story.  “I’m a runner”, I say, “I know we’re the worst and we don’t stop when we should, but I want to be better. I want to be healthy.  I need to run again.”

This has helped me stop comparing myself to others because no one I know has this injury.
And although it was a long time coming it has reminded me to take it easy on myself.

I was actually glad to be jealous this morning.

Jealousy is the first emotion I’ve had in the last few weeks that fired me up rather than defeated me.

So, although it’s not easy, I intend to stay green with envy until I can make someone else jealous of my miles logged, my shoes wrecked and my laundry pile growing.

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