Ch-ch-ch-changes

When you are through changing, you are through. ~Bruce Barton





So, I've had a rough week. I know, it's only Tuesday but I'm overwhelmed.



As usual, I have over-committed myself to a variety of causes that I feel strongly about on top of school, work and taking care of myself. I do this to myself and I sincerely want to be a part of everything that I commit to. It's just that every once in a while it feels so big that I want to crawl in bed and do nothing but eat those oreos that are backwards (you know, vanilla cookie/chocolate creme) and watch reruns of Sex and The City, hoping and praying that no one will find me.



At least, that's what I USED to want to do...



NOW I WANT TO RUUUUUUNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!!!!!



I think what's peeving me is the fact that these things I've committed to are getting in the way of my commitment to myself.



That's a refreshing and lovely change.



Who'd have thunk I would be pissed because MY world doesn't revolve around me.



This is a way of thinking that I'm not sure I was prepared for.



I was so stressed last night that I accidentally left my gym bag on the floor of my office and I keep EVERYTHING in my gym bag that I need for a workout. I kept trying to figure out HOW I could get a workout in without my stuff.



Missing one workout won't kill me. Or will it? I'm not sure.



This week has just gotten so far away from me and there doesn't seem to be an end in sight but what I refuse to lose sight of is my commitment to myself and being a better, healthier, happier me.



It seems that with all the changes I've made in the past 10 months, the biggest one is a shift that was almost imperceptible.

I changed my eating...obvious

I changed my physical activity...obvious

I changed my body...obvious

I changed my attitude...OH SO OBVIOUS



But that change in myself, the change that made ME more important than everyone and everything else...that wasn't quite as obvious until today.



I will remain committed to the things I've promised. I pride myself on being a loyal person who is true to their word. However, I feel myself being drawn to more decisions that have my best interests, my sanity and my happiness at heart.



And that change is far bigger (literally and figuratively) than the smaller pants I changed into today.

WHAT IS SEXY?

What is Sexy?



What a question! How the hell do I know? I’ve spent the majority of the years where it’s acceptable to look sexy looking (and feeling) lumpy. Have there been sexy moments, of course, but have I ever REALLY LOOKED OR FELT SEXY?

NOPE!



I’m not sure I would have known what sexy looked like if it stared at me from the mirror…



Until recently…



Suddenly, I have these moments. It’s not a 24/7 thing, but there are these chunks of time where I KNOW, without a shadow of a doubt what sexy looks like…



It looks like cheekbones that are more pronounced and make my smile bigger and my eyes brighter.



It looks like less chins. There’s still at least two where one should be, but that’s less than the original four.



It looks like a chest. Whereas my breasts are failing me (falling down, down, down…nothing some store-bought , new SUPER boobs won’t fix…I see plastic surgery in my future), I have this new area below my chins and above my breasts that’s kind of lovely. My necklace no longer gets lost in the fat rolls in my neck…OH WAIT, I actually have a neck!



It looks like a waist. A what? OH, that! It’s a waist and I actually have one of those too.



It looks like a narrower booty! (I just hope it doesn’t go away, I like my A$$!)



It looks like legs that are strong and getting stronger and smaller….legs that I can actually cross at the knee instead of the ankle…which by the way are no longer cankles.



You know what’s even more awesome? I know what sexy FEELS like now too!



It feels like sweat running down my face when I’m pounding the pavement.



It feels like freedom when you finally hit the downhill on the tough cross country course.



If feels like tight hamstrings and sore core muscles after a spin class.



It feels like not wanting to take off your workout clothes after a tough run as if to scream to the world, “I just ran 6 miles! What have you done today?”



It feels like inspiration, motivation, determination and strength.



As I reminisce about times when I felt low or frumpy or lumpy I can’t help but have bit of regret over the years I wasted feeling that way, when all it would’ve taken was some physical exercise. The simple truth is this and it’s so freakin’ obvious: Until you see yourself as sexy, you won’t be sexy. Sexy isn’t just a look or a feeling, it’s an attitude.



It’s an attitude that I am happy to adopt.



So today when you’re working out or hanging out or even chillin’ out, take a minute, get in the zone and adopt the sexy. It may be the best thing you’ve ever done for yourself.



It’s one of the best gifts I’ve given to my own SEXY self!







THAT IS ONE SWEATY, SEXY BEEYOTCH!!!!

Decisions, Decisions...

I remember someone once telling me that we “choose our attitudes, so we should always choose to have a good one.” I always kind of thought that this was BS. I mean, what if I’m having a bad day and my boss is a jerk and I fight with my boyfriend and get in a car accident. Really? Don’t I have the right to have a bad attitude about these things? I mean, they’re sucky and I don’t want to smile and pretend to be happy when my boss treats me poorly or I’m handing my insurance card to the other driver. I’m a firm believer in owning your emotions.



BUT, I am also a big believer in making decisions. I feel like there is a difference between a decision and a choice.



A choice is something you do on a test:



Today I will be



a. Happy

b. Sad

c. Overly-enthusiastic

d. Angry



Sometimes I feel ALL of those emotions in one day. I own them, but what I DECIDE is that I won’t let the negative emotions derail my efforts to do my best and to be my best.



I’m not perfect by any means, but I try to make good decisions.



I DECIDE to pack my gym bag every night before I go to sleep so I have no excuse not to take it in the morning.



Then I DECIDE to bring it into my office and sit it on the floor, so I won’t have an excuse not to go to the gym after work. (It’s staring at me with those googly-eyes….”You’d better hit the gym, lady!!!”)



I DECIDE that I will run in the morning because its summer and it gets hot and I’ll most likely flake and complain if I plan to run in the evenings.



I DECIDE to buy healthy food so even when I’m feeling down and want to shovel food in my face, my choices are limited to healthy snacks.



I DECIDE not to eat 100% clean. That a night on the town with my friends that includes an adult beverage is good for my soul and that’s just as important as my body.



I DECIDE that I will appreciate my blessings and accomplishments (which is not always easy because as human beings we tend to focus on the negative)



I DECIDE that I will try to remain a positive influence on my friends and the world around me. Nothing good will come from me being negative. When I have those “not so positive” moments I have them, but then I DECIDE to focus on something else.



I DECIDE.



I will never be the kind of person who makes every situation rainbows and butterflies. In fact, I don’t want to be that person. Some problems are not meant to have a positive spin, but they are meant to have a solution. I want to recognize a challenge and find a way to overcome it not dress it up in an evening gown and call it Ms. Congeniality.



Maybe I’m splitting hairs. Choice or decision? What’s the real difference? The difference for me is that sometimes I have NO choice over my feelings or my reactions, they are emotional and they just happen. But lucky for this control-freak, I have TOTAL power over the decisions I make. I am the Queen of Decision Land and I rule over my subjects with a firm hand.



I will do everything that I can to make positive and life-changing, life-making decisions.



So today I will make healthy food DECISIONS even though I’m eating out with friends. I will go to spin class after work even though I DECIDED to run 2.5 miles this morning.



What will you DECIDE to do today?

I Can't Hear It Enough

People have been complimenting me lately.



A LOT.



Which is nice. It’s hard, but nice. I’ve had to teach myself to say, “Thank You” instead of listing how much further I have to go.



People have also been saying things like, “You’re probably sick of me saying this…” or “I know I keep telling you this…” right before the compliment. And you know what, that’s ok. Even though it sounds conceited I still want to hear it.



I NEED to hear it.



You see, despite my positivity, ear-to-ear smile and go-get-‘em attitude I’m still learning to TRULY like myself and treat myself as a friend. It’s getting better each day, but sometimes I can be a bully….to me.



So, every time someone gives me a compliment I put it in a file. I have a file cabinet in the corner of my heart where I keep these and when I’m feeling sad, defeated or discouraged I open the cabinet drawer and pull a compliment or kind word out. I think about it, I remember when it was said and who said it, I believe it. Because the people I love, the people who are in my life who take the time to notice and recognize my hard work wouldn’t lie.



I remember how good it felt to hear it, the pride in their faces. How, for some, that pride replaced worry or pity. How happy they are to see me, well, happy. I feel the pride, faith, joy they felt when they said it (I think it feels as good to give a compliment as it does to receive one) . I also like the surprise. That look when someone hasn’t seen me for a long time and didn’t know or maybe knew, but didn’t really “get” the changes I’ve made. That surprise is good too.



I am not afraid to hear, “You’ve lost weight!” because I have. Or “You look great!” because I do.



I challenge you with this, even though it’s hard.



ACCEPT COMPLIMENTS



Very rarely do they come from a mean place. If you are making changes, if you are surprising people, if you are doing something to be proud of accept the kind words people have for you. Even though you may not want to go around tooting your own horn, (Although if you want to, by all means!!!) keep what people say and put it in your heart.



You never know when you may need it.

I Can't Hear It Enough

People have been complimenting me lately.



A LOT.



Which is nice. It’s hard, but nice. I’ve had to teach myself to say, “Thank You” instead of listing how much further I have to go.



People have also been saying things like, “You’re probably sick of me saying this…” or “I know I keep telling you this…” right before the compliment. And you know what, that’s ok. Even though it sounds conceited I still want to hear it.



I NEED to hear it.



You see, despite my positivity, ear-to-ear smile and go-get-‘em attitude I’m still learning to TRULY like myself and treat myself as a friend. It’s getting better each day, but sometimes I can be a bully….to me.



So, every time someone gives me a compliment I put it in a file. I have a file cabinet in the corner of my heart where I keep these and when I’m feeling sad, defeated or discouraged I open the cabinet drawer and pull a compliment or kind word out. I think about it, I remember when it was said and who said it, I believe it. Because the people I love, the people who are in my life who take the time to notice and recognize my hard work wouldn’t lie.



I remember how good it felt to hear it, the pride in their faces. How, for some, that pride replaced worry or pity. How happy they are to see me, well, happy. I feel the pride, faith, joy they felt when they said it (I think it feels as good to give a compliment as it does to receive one) . I also like the surprise. That look when someone hasn’t seen me for a long time and didn’t know or maybe knew, but didn’t really “get” the changes I’ve made. That surprise is good too.



I am not afraid to hear, “You’ve lost weight!” because I have. Or “You look great!” because I do.



I challenge you with this, even though it’s hard.



ACCEPT COMPLIMENTS



Very rarely do they come from a mean place. If you are making changes, if you are surprising people, if you are doing something to be proud of accept the kind words people have for you. Even though you may not want to go around tooting your own horn, (Although if you want to, by all means!!!) keep what people say and put it in your heart.



You never know when you may need it.

Happiness is...

Once there was this girl, her name was Heather.

She went for a run with her friends. As she was running she realized that her pants had slipped down a bit, she pulled them up and still felt uncomfortable. So she fiddled and faddled and realized that although she was wearing skin tight running shorts, her underwear had slipped down.

Yes, my friends, she had lost so much weight that her panties had slipped down below her gut under her tight pants.

The moral of this story?

Happiness is.... your panties falling down

I Don't Want To Fake It...

I often hear the term "Fake It Til You Make It" and for those of you who use this as a tool to move forward, I apologize because I just don't buy it.

I know this saying comes from a variety of places. According to Wikipedia it means "to imitate confidence so that as the confidence produces success, it will generate real confidence"

Here's my problem with this...

I DON'T WANT TO FAKE ANYTHING....

This is my life. This life is real and it's what is happening now. This is it. There are no do overs. There is no rewind button.

Believe me when I say that I’d love a rewind button! Honestly, I’d like to call Doc Brown, borrow the Delorean, put some plutonium (or trash) in the flux capacitor and go back to the me of 5 years ago and tell her how awesome it feels to run 3 miles without stopping. Tell her how much fun she’s going to have in spin class. How good it feels to shop in regular stores vs. the plus sized stores. I'd like to tell her to stop living in her head, to stop focusing on all the negative things.

Once, when feeling at my lowest, I made a list of pros and cons about MYSELF. And believe it, the con list was waaaaaay longer than the pros. Then I sent it to my friend who, because she is a good friend, went on to debate all of the horrible things I said about myself.

But it didn’t matter what she or anyone said or perceived about me because I didn’t believe in my GUTS that I was worth being the person I was meant to be….No one can fake that.

I’d like to say to me 5 years ago, “QUIT FAKING IT!” Because, for me, it didn’t work. All that bravado and that "I don't care what people think" attitude. All that smiling while wanting to curl up in a ball. It’s BS.

I always think about a line in the movie "French Kiss". Meg Ryan's character Kate is exasperated (as she maintains through most of the film) and says, "Happy, smile. Sad, frown. Use the corresponding face with the corresponding emotion..."

That's how I feel:

If you're happy, BE HAPPY. Dance in the streets, hug your friends, laugh out loud at inappropriate times. Share your joy. DON'T FAKE HAPPY...

And if you’re sad, be sad. Lounge in the glorious emotion that is sadness. Watch a sad movie, cry into your pillow....BUT don't drown yourself in it. YOU are the only one who can pull you out. YOU decide when you’re ready and what it’s going to take for YOU.

In the 2005 Cameron Crowe movie, “Elizabethtown”, the character Claire says “Sadness is easier because it’s surrender”

Think about this. Surrender. That word makes me angry. Like I gave up. I don't want to wave the white flag.

She then follows this up with the comment, “I say take time to dance alone with one hand waving free”

NONE of what we’re doing on here is easy. Surrendering is the easy way out. We are changing lives, our own lives, and when you chose to do that, you are choosing a life made of difficult choices (what can I eat here?, Where am I at with my calories?, I’ll have to wake up at WHAT time to get a workout in?), but a life where the rewards are plentiful (longer healthier lives, little black dresses, hotter sex, feelings of accomplishment).

Your reward is being able to dance alone with one hand waving free…because that, my friend, is REAL.

I can tell you this, faking it NEVER helped me. What worked for me was to *get real*. Like they say at the beginning of the MTV show “The Real World”; I had to “stop being polite and start getting real!” I had to have difficult, honest conversations…with myself.

For me, and I only speak for myself, life is about moving forward. Not walking in place, not taking steps backward. I’m not saying that I’ve never done those things. I’ve taken more steps back than I care to mention. I spent about 5 years walking in place because I didn’t know what to do or where to go.

It also means that every minute of every day I'm genuinely ME: the good, the bad and the fugly.

So if faking it works for you. Go for it. Fake it until you make it, I sincerely hope you make it.

And while you’re doing this, search for the tools to help you make it. Find supportive friends and goals and dreams that you can strive to accomplish. These are the hammer and the nail that help to build a better me. These are my supporting beams.

But we didn’t start building until I stopped faking it and got real.

Finally, I really believed that I could no longer live the way I was living. Finally I believed that I was worth being taken care of. Finally I believed that I could and should take care of myself. Finally I believed I could accomplish these goals.

Finally I believed…

And that belief can’t be faked.