Friday, October 28, 2011

Wrapping My Head Around Me

I can’t wrap my head around the new me. My mind is not catching up with my body.

So many people are noticing the changes. I get a lot of compliments and it’s truly lovely.
I smile.
I say “Thank You”.
I joke and tell people to say it again. But I’m consumed with the feeling that I’m still the “fat girl”.

I can’t bring myself to shop for clothes in a regular store. I go to the same stores I went to before and buy clothes because I need the “airbag” of being able to get that bigger size if I need it.

I stare at my body in the mirror, picking apart the “not so great” parts rather than focusing on the really fantastic changes.

I know the people who know me see the difference, but I almost want to wear a sign that says, “I’ve lost over 80 pounds! I’m still fat, but not like I used to be!” so the people who didn’t know me before don’t judge me.

OH LORD! I hate that I even wrote that last sentence.

It’s because I constantly judge ME and this makes me so OVERLY concerned that others are doing it as well.

I never thought that losing weight would solve all my problems. BUT I’ve been blindsided by the fact that it has brought on a different set of issues.

Different body issues.
Different mind issues.
Different spirit issues.

I WANT to feel beautiful and awesome and sexy.
I want to feel strong and thin and fast.
And a lot of the time, I totally do.

However, there’s this chubby girl inside me that hasn’t fully departed and she casts shadows of doubt.
She reminds me that as far as I’ve come, I have further to go.
She reminds me that this next leg of the journey is going to be even more difficult.
And although the realist in me appreciates her candor, it brings the rest of me down.

And I just can’t get her to STFU!

Please believe me when I say that I AM proud of myself.
I, above all, know my sacrifices and hard work and BY NO MEANS do I feel sorry for myself.
I am just ready to look in the mirror and see what everyone else sees.

I remember being overweight and glancing at my reflection in the mirror and wondering who the fat chick was following me. I was in denial about what I truly looked like.

Now it’s the opposite. Where there is a girl with a more pronounced waist and cheekbones and waaaay smaller boobs, I see rolls and fat and ewwwww.

I want to look in the mirror and recognize myself as a friend. I want to see someone that I’m proud of. I’VE WORKED SO HARD! The voices of doubt and negativity are quieter, but they’re still there….and somehow they’re still just a bit louder than my true voice.

So, my newest challenge is not losing weight. I’m doing that, albeit slowly.
It isn’t running farther. I’m doing that too. Slowly as well, but it’s getting done.
It’s not becoming stronger. That’s happening.

My newest (and greatest) challenge is this:

Not just someone who simply IS thinner, faster and stronger

BUT someone who *FEELS*

I’m ready for my body, mind and spirit to be on the same page.
I’m ready for my stars to align.
I’m so freakin’ ready.

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