Decisions, Decisions...

I remember someone once telling me that we “choose our attitudes, so we should always choose to have a good one.” I always kind of thought that this was BS. I mean, what if I’m having a bad day and my boss is a jerk and I fight with my boyfriend and get in a car accident. Really? Don’t I have the right to have a bad attitude about these things? I mean, they’re sucky and I don’t want to smile and pretend to be happy when my boss treats me poorly or I’m handing my insurance card to the other driver. I’m a firm believer in owning your emotions.



BUT, I am also a big believer in making decisions. I feel like there is a difference between a decision and a choice.



A choice is something you do on a test:



Today I will be



a. Happy

b. Sad

c. Overly-enthusiastic

d. Angry



Sometimes I feel ALL of those emotions in one day. I own them, but what I DECIDE is that I won’t let the negative emotions derail my efforts to do my best and to be my best.



I’m not perfect by any means, but I try to make good decisions.



I DECIDE to pack my gym bag every night before I go to sleep so I have no excuse not to take it in the morning.



Then I DECIDE to bring it into my office and sit it on the floor, so I won’t have an excuse not to go to the gym after work. (It’s staring at me with those googly-eyes….”You’d better hit the gym, lady!!!”)



I DECIDE that I will run in the morning because its summer and it gets hot and I’ll most likely flake and complain if I plan to run in the evenings.



I DECIDE to buy healthy food so even when I’m feeling down and want to shovel food in my face, my choices are limited to healthy snacks.



I DECIDE not to eat 100% clean. That a night on the town with my friends that includes an adult beverage is good for my soul and that’s just as important as my body.



I DECIDE that I will appreciate my blessings and accomplishments (which is not always easy because as human beings we tend to focus on the negative)



I DECIDE that I will try to remain a positive influence on my friends and the world around me. Nothing good will come from me being negative. When I have those “not so positive” moments I have them, but then I DECIDE to focus on something else.



I DECIDE.



I will never be the kind of person who makes every situation rainbows and butterflies. In fact, I don’t want to be that person. Some problems are not meant to have a positive spin, but they are meant to have a solution. I want to recognize a challenge and find a way to overcome it not dress it up in an evening gown and call it Ms. Congeniality.



Maybe I’m splitting hairs. Choice or decision? What’s the real difference? The difference for me is that sometimes I have NO choice over my feelings or my reactions, they are emotional and they just happen. But lucky for this control-freak, I have TOTAL power over the decisions I make. I am the Queen of Decision Land and I rule over my subjects with a firm hand.



I will do everything that I can to make positive and life-changing, life-making decisions.



So today I will make healthy food DECISIONS even though I’m eating out with friends. I will go to spin class after work even though I DECIDED to run 2.5 miles this morning.



What will you DECIDE to do today?

I Can't Hear It Enough

People have been complimenting me lately.



A LOT.



Which is nice. It’s hard, but nice. I’ve had to teach myself to say, “Thank You” instead of listing how much further I have to go.



People have also been saying things like, “You’re probably sick of me saying this…” or “I know I keep telling you this…” right before the compliment. And you know what, that’s ok. Even though it sounds conceited I still want to hear it.



I NEED to hear it.



You see, despite my positivity, ear-to-ear smile and go-get-‘em attitude I’m still learning to TRULY like myself and treat myself as a friend. It’s getting better each day, but sometimes I can be a bully….to me.



So, every time someone gives me a compliment I put it in a file. I have a file cabinet in the corner of my heart where I keep these and when I’m feeling sad, defeated or discouraged I open the cabinet drawer and pull a compliment or kind word out. I think about it, I remember when it was said and who said it, I believe it. Because the people I love, the people who are in my life who take the time to notice and recognize my hard work wouldn’t lie.



I remember how good it felt to hear it, the pride in their faces. How, for some, that pride replaced worry or pity. How happy they are to see me, well, happy. I feel the pride, faith, joy they felt when they said it (I think it feels as good to give a compliment as it does to receive one) . I also like the surprise. That look when someone hasn’t seen me for a long time and didn’t know or maybe knew, but didn’t really “get” the changes I’ve made. That surprise is good too.



I am not afraid to hear, “You’ve lost weight!” because I have. Or “You look great!” because I do.



I challenge you with this, even though it’s hard.



ACCEPT COMPLIMENTS



Very rarely do they come from a mean place. If you are making changes, if you are surprising people, if you are doing something to be proud of accept the kind words people have for you. Even though you may not want to go around tooting your own horn, (Although if you want to, by all means!!!) keep what people say and put it in your heart.



You never know when you may need it.

I Can't Hear It Enough

People have been complimenting me lately.



A LOT.



Which is nice. It’s hard, but nice. I’ve had to teach myself to say, “Thank You” instead of listing how much further I have to go.



People have also been saying things like, “You’re probably sick of me saying this…” or “I know I keep telling you this…” right before the compliment. And you know what, that’s ok. Even though it sounds conceited I still want to hear it.



I NEED to hear it.



You see, despite my positivity, ear-to-ear smile and go-get-‘em attitude I’m still learning to TRULY like myself and treat myself as a friend. It’s getting better each day, but sometimes I can be a bully….to me.



So, every time someone gives me a compliment I put it in a file. I have a file cabinet in the corner of my heart where I keep these and when I’m feeling sad, defeated or discouraged I open the cabinet drawer and pull a compliment or kind word out. I think about it, I remember when it was said and who said it, I believe it. Because the people I love, the people who are in my life who take the time to notice and recognize my hard work wouldn’t lie.



I remember how good it felt to hear it, the pride in their faces. How, for some, that pride replaced worry or pity. How happy they are to see me, well, happy. I feel the pride, faith, joy they felt when they said it (I think it feels as good to give a compliment as it does to receive one) . I also like the surprise. That look when someone hasn’t seen me for a long time and didn’t know or maybe knew, but didn’t really “get” the changes I’ve made. That surprise is good too.



I am not afraid to hear, “You’ve lost weight!” because I have. Or “You look great!” because I do.



I challenge you with this, even though it’s hard.



ACCEPT COMPLIMENTS



Very rarely do they come from a mean place. If you are making changes, if you are surprising people, if you are doing something to be proud of accept the kind words people have for you. Even though you may not want to go around tooting your own horn, (Although if you want to, by all means!!!) keep what people say and put it in your heart.



You never know when you may need it.

Happiness is...

Once there was this girl, her name was Heather.

She went for a run with her friends. As she was running she realized that her pants had slipped down a bit, she pulled them up and still felt uncomfortable. So she fiddled and faddled and realized that although she was wearing skin tight running shorts, her underwear had slipped down.

Yes, my friends, she had lost so much weight that her panties had slipped down below her gut under her tight pants.

The moral of this story?

Happiness is.... your panties falling down

I Don't Want To Fake It...

I often hear the term "Fake It Til You Make It" and for those of you who use this as a tool to move forward, I apologize because I just don't buy it.

I know this saying comes from a variety of places. According to Wikipedia it means "to imitate confidence so that as the confidence produces success, it will generate real confidence"

Here's my problem with this...

I DON'T WANT TO FAKE ANYTHING....

This is my life. This life is real and it's what is happening now. This is it. There are no do overs. There is no rewind button.

Believe me when I say that I’d love a rewind button! Honestly, I’d like to call Doc Brown, borrow the Delorean, put some plutonium (or trash) in the flux capacitor and go back to the me of 5 years ago and tell her how awesome it feels to run 3 miles without stopping. Tell her how much fun she’s going to have in spin class. How good it feels to shop in regular stores vs. the plus sized stores. I'd like to tell her to stop living in her head, to stop focusing on all the negative things.

Once, when feeling at my lowest, I made a list of pros and cons about MYSELF. And believe it, the con list was waaaaaay longer than the pros. Then I sent it to my friend who, because she is a good friend, went on to debate all of the horrible things I said about myself.

But it didn’t matter what she or anyone said or perceived about me because I didn’t believe in my GUTS that I was worth being the person I was meant to be….No one can fake that.

I’d like to say to me 5 years ago, “QUIT FAKING IT!” Because, for me, it didn’t work. All that bravado and that "I don't care what people think" attitude. All that smiling while wanting to curl up in a ball. It’s BS.

I always think about a line in the movie "French Kiss". Meg Ryan's character Kate is exasperated (as she maintains through most of the film) and says, "Happy, smile. Sad, frown. Use the corresponding face with the corresponding emotion..."

That's how I feel:

If you're happy, BE HAPPY. Dance in the streets, hug your friends, laugh out loud at inappropriate times. Share your joy. DON'T FAKE HAPPY...

And if you’re sad, be sad. Lounge in the glorious emotion that is sadness. Watch a sad movie, cry into your pillow....BUT don't drown yourself in it. YOU are the only one who can pull you out. YOU decide when you’re ready and what it’s going to take for YOU.

In the 2005 Cameron Crowe movie, “Elizabethtown”, the character Claire says “Sadness is easier because it’s surrender”

Think about this. Surrender. That word makes me angry. Like I gave up. I don't want to wave the white flag.

She then follows this up with the comment, “I say take time to dance alone with one hand waving free”

NONE of what we’re doing on here is easy. Surrendering is the easy way out. We are changing lives, our own lives, and when you chose to do that, you are choosing a life made of difficult choices (what can I eat here?, Where am I at with my calories?, I’ll have to wake up at WHAT time to get a workout in?), but a life where the rewards are plentiful (longer healthier lives, little black dresses, hotter sex, feelings of accomplishment).

Your reward is being able to dance alone with one hand waving free…because that, my friend, is REAL.

I can tell you this, faking it NEVER helped me. What worked for me was to *get real*. Like they say at the beginning of the MTV show “The Real World”; I had to “stop being polite and start getting real!” I had to have difficult, honest conversations…with myself.

For me, and I only speak for myself, life is about moving forward. Not walking in place, not taking steps backward. I’m not saying that I’ve never done those things. I’ve taken more steps back than I care to mention. I spent about 5 years walking in place because I didn’t know what to do or where to go.

It also means that every minute of every day I'm genuinely ME: the good, the bad and the fugly.

So if faking it works for you. Go for it. Fake it until you make it, I sincerely hope you make it.

And while you’re doing this, search for the tools to help you make it. Find supportive friends and goals and dreams that you can strive to accomplish. These are the hammer and the nail that help to build a better me. These are my supporting beams.

But we didn’t start building until I stopped faking it and got real.

Finally, I really believed that I could no longer live the way I was living. Finally I believed that I was worth being taken care of. Finally I believed that I could and should take care of myself. Finally I believed I could accomplish these goals.

Finally I believed…

And that belief can’t be faked.

The Plateau That Ate My Motivation.....

HIDE THE WOMEN AND CHILDREN! BATTEN DOWN THE HATCHES!! IT'S COMING!!!!
IT'S NOT GODZILLA!
IT'S MUCH, MUCH WORSE.....IT'S
THE PLATEAU THAT ATE MY MOTIVATION

Okay, seriously. I'm soooo over this.

Let me preface with this:

1. I know this happens to everybody and every body.

2. I know my body is still changing and getting healthier.

3. I know I'm stronger and could do things I couldn't do before.

4. I KNOW I'm not supposed to care what the scale says.


BUT....
and there is a big BUT (not to be confused with a big BUTT)

I'm still technically obese so the scale does freakin' matter. I still haven't hit the half-way mark of my weight loss, so it does freakin' matter. It makes me, an otherwise peppy, sassy, happy lady, GRUMPY. Therefore, my friend....IT.REALLY.FREAKIN'.MATTERS!!!

I know a plateau is a natural part of this journey, but that doesn't make it any less annoying. I have been within the same ten pounds for the last two months. It goes down, it goes up a little, it goes down a lot, it goes up a little.

So, I'm gonna try a few things to shake it up. I'm going to start some serious strength training, maybe rearrange my diet a bit, etc.

I'm going to keep my positive attitude. I'm going to keep running. I'm going to keep believing that I will reach a "maintaining" point in my journey. (I'm smart enough to know this journey I'm on is called, "My Life" and it doesn't end until I do)

But, I'm still allowed to be annoyed. I'm still allowed to want to eat an entire pizza followed by an entire cake. I'm still allowed to feel like I want to quit.

What I'm not allowed to do is let being annoyed derail me. I'm not allowed to eat my feelings.

I'M NOT ALLOWED TO QUIT.

So although the Plateau is after me, I'll fight it. I'll fight it like Luke fights the Dark Side. Like Harry fights Voldemort. Like Ricky Bobby fights Jean Girard.

Suck It! Plateau-YOU WILL NOT DEFEAT ME!



Because (and this is for Angela "Boobies" Ilich) a year ago I looked like this...



and now I look like this.....


But the goal is to look like this....



So giving up is NOT an option....

XOXO
Stew

Get Back On That Horse

When I was 22 or 23 I went horseback riding. I went with a group of friends and my mom, who's always up for an adventure, came along. About halfway through the ride my horse stumbled on a large rock as we were running and I went face first into the ground. (Note to self: Break fall with HANDS, not FACE) I was fine. Bumped, bruised and scraped, but altogether fine, albiet a bit shaken up. On the other hand, my mom was terrified. This was around the same time that Christopher Reeve was thrown from his horse and paralyzed. As I lay on the ground thinking, "I'm mortified, can I just get up now?", my mom, voice shaking, was asking the trail guide to "get her off the (f-word-ing) horse." I'm her baby after all. If this was scary for me, it was twice as scary for her. In fact, my first visit to the emergency room was probably more traumatic than the incident itself, but I digress.

About a month after the accident, when I was all healed, my mom insisted we go for another ride. Her reasoning? That old saying, "You gotta get back on the horse." She refused to let the last memory of horseback riding for both of us be a traumatic one. So, we went for a lovely ride. Shaky at first, but we did it. My mom was right. We had to make a bad experience better.

I recently signed up for a Summer Series of 5Ks at the local community college. Every Thursday for eight weeks in the summer, a group of people get together and run a pretty difficult cross country trail that goes through the college and into the surrounding hills.

I only started running in October. I'm slow and I prefer pavement. I know it's harder on my body, but I like it. The city I live in has 30 miles of paseos that are perfect for long or short runs. Needless to say, this Summer Series is difficult for me and yesterday was the worst!

First of all it was hot. I live in the Southern California desert and we've had a fairly mild summer by normal standards but it's still hot for running. Secondly, most of the people doing this run are really good runners. Like 200 kids from the local cross country teams and 7 slow pokes. These people are crossing the finish line in 15 minutes. I'm lucky to get in under 40 minutes, so it's a little intimidating. Lastly, I was just plain not feeling it.

So I went yesterday. My friend bought me the series as a birthday gift and I wanted a run and want to do this, right? Honestly, I could have easily been persuaded to blow it off, but I made it there.

Mile One Sucked. I couldn't get a good rhythm in my running or my breathing. It got better when I realized I was further along when the leader past me that I had been the week before but then the water table was set up on the side where the FAST runners were going and I had to STOP, sneak through the line of young, fast, in shape runners to get a drink, then WAIT to find a place to cut through again.

Mile Two Sucked Harder. This is the roughest mile anyway. It has two pretty nasty hills. These hills have been named "F You" and "F You's Little Sister". They suck. I always try to run, but usually end up walking most of them. Again, I couldn't catch my breath and was feeling out of sync. I had a cramp for most of this part of the run that I couldn't shake and my feet hurt during a run for the first time. And the water table had no water left when I ran back by. I was thirsty!

Mile Three Sucked Too. Mile three is usually my best mile in most races. I was annoyed at the water situation, mad at the fact that I was pacing the 70 year old man that "walk/runs" and pissed that I wasn't doing my best. Then, clarity.

I literally thought to myself, "Well, I have to come back next week because this has to be better." Then I thought about horseback riding. I knew in my heart and my head that I couldn't have a bad taste in my mouth about this or any other run for that matter. I KNOW, with certainty, that I will go back next week and try to make it a better experience. I'll go back every week for the next 5 weeks and run. If my last run there feels bad, I may go back again to make it better. (Although the In-N-Out Truck comes after the last run, so I think I'll have very warm and fuzzy feelings after that race ;) )

That's the point, right? When we have negative experiences, we can choose to leave them in our memories or we can choose to replace them with better, more positive ones.

I'm trying to replace my negative trail running feelings with positive ones. It may take one more run or one hundred more runs, but I think I can do it. Maybe when I can start running as fast on hills as I do on the road or maybe when I just have a particularly strong day and it feels really good. Either way, I'm not going to stop trying to make the last memory a good one.

I'm going to keep getting back on that horse.