Happiness is...

Once there was this girl, her name was Heather.

She went for a run with her friends. As she was running she realized that her pants had slipped down a bit, she pulled them up and still felt uncomfortable. So she fiddled and faddled and realized that although she was wearing skin tight running shorts, her underwear had slipped down.

Yes, my friends, she had lost so much weight that her panties had slipped down below her gut under her tight pants.

The moral of this story?

Happiness is.... your panties falling down

I Don't Want To Fake It...

I often hear the term "Fake It Til You Make It" and for those of you who use this as a tool to move forward, I apologize because I just don't buy it.

I know this saying comes from a variety of places. According to Wikipedia it means "to imitate confidence so that as the confidence produces success, it will generate real confidence"

Here's my problem with this...

I DON'T WANT TO FAKE ANYTHING....

This is my life. This life is real and it's what is happening now. This is it. There are no do overs. There is no rewind button.

Believe me when I say that I’d love a rewind button! Honestly, I’d like to call Doc Brown, borrow the Delorean, put some plutonium (or trash) in the flux capacitor and go back to the me of 5 years ago and tell her how awesome it feels to run 3 miles without stopping. Tell her how much fun she’s going to have in spin class. How good it feels to shop in regular stores vs. the plus sized stores. I'd like to tell her to stop living in her head, to stop focusing on all the negative things.

Once, when feeling at my lowest, I made a list of pros and cons about MYSELF. And believe it, the con list was waaaaaay longer than the pros. Then I sent it to my friend who, because she is a good friend, went on to debate all of the horrible things I said about myself.

But it didn’t matter what she or anyone said or perceived about me because I didn’t believe in my GUTS that I was worth being the person I was meant to be….No one can fake that.

I’d like to say to me 5 years ago, “QUIT FAKING IT!” Because, for me, it didn’t work. All that bravado and that "I don't care what people think" attitude. All that smiling while wanting to curl up in a ball. It’s BS.

I always think about a line in the movie "French Kiss". Meg Ryan's character Kate is exasperated (as she maintains through most of the film) and says, "Happy, smile. Sad, frown. Use the corresponding face with the corresponding emotion..."

That's how I feel:

If you're happy, BE HAPPY. Dance in the streets, hug your friends, laugh out loud at inappropriate times. Share your joy. DON'T FAKE HAPPY...

And if you’re sad, be sad. Lounge in the glorious emotion that is sadness. Watch a sad movie, cry into your pillow....BUT don't drown yourself in it. YOU are the only one who can pull you out. YOU decide when you’re ready and what it’s going to take for YOU.

In the 2005 Cameron Crowe movie, “Elizabethtown”, the character Claire says “Sadness is easier because it’s surrender”

Think about this. Surrender. That word makes me angry. Like I gave up. I don't want to wave the white flag.

She then follows this up with the comment, “I say take time to dance alone with one hand waving free”

NONE of what we’re doing on here is easy. Surrendering is the easy way out. We are changing lives, our own lives, and when you chose to do that, you are choosing a life made of difficult choices (what can I eat here?, Where am I at with my calories?, I’ll have to wake up at WHAT time to get a workout in?), but a life where the rewards are plentiful (longer healthier lives, little black dresses, hotter sex, feelings of accomplishment).

Your reward is being able to dance alone with one hand waving free…because that, my friend, is REAL.

I can tell you this, faking it NEVER helped me. What worked for me was to *get real*. Like they say at the beginning of the MTV show “The Real World”; I had to “stop being polite and start getting real!” I had to have difficult, honest conversations…with myself.

For me, and I only speak for myself, life is about moving forward. Not walking in place, not taking steps backward. I’m not saying that I’ve never done those things. I’ve taken more steps back than I care to mention. I spent about 5 years walking in place because I didn’t know what to do or where to go.

It also means that every minute of every day I'm genuinely ME: the good, the bad and the fugly.

So if faking it works for you. Go for it. Fake it until you make it, I sincerely hope you make it.

And while you’re doing this, search for the tools to help you make it. Find supportive friends and goals and dreams that you can strive to accomplish. These are the hammer and the nail that help to build a better me. These are my supporting beams.

But we didn’t start building until I stopped faking it and got real.

Finally, I really believed that I could no longer live the way I was living. Finally I believed that I was worth being taken care of. Finally I believed that I could and should take care of myself. Finally I believed I could accomplish these goals.

Finally I believed…

And that belief can’t be faked.

The Plateau That Ate My Motivation.....

HIDE THE WOMEN AND CHILDREN! BATTEN DOWN THE HATCHES!! IT'S COMING!!!!
IT'S NOT GODZILLA!
IT'S MUCH, MUCH WORSE.....IT'S
THE PLATEAU THAT ATE MY MOTIVATION

Okay, seriously. I'm soooo over this.

Let me preface with this:

1. I know this happens to everybody and every body.

2. I know my body is still changing and getting healthier.

3. I know I'm stronger and could do things I couldn't do before.

4. I KNOW I'm not supposed to care what the scale says.


BUT....
and there is a big BUT (not to be confused with a big BUTT)

I'm still technically obese so the scale does freakin' matter. I still haven't hit the half-way mark of my weight loss, so it does freakin' matter. It makes me, an otherwise peppy, sassy, happy lady, GRUMPY. Therefore, my friend....IT.REALLY.FREAKIN'.MATTERS!!!

I know a plateau is a natural part of this journey, but that doesn't make it any less annoying. I have been within the same ten pounds for the last two months. It goes down, it goes up a little, it goes down a lot, it goes up a little.

So, I'm gonna try a few things to shake it up. I'm going to start some serious strength training, maybe rearrange my diet a bit, etc.

I'm going to keep my positive attitude. I'm going to keep running. I'm going to keep believing that I will reach a "maintaining" point in my journey. (I'm smart enough to know this journey I'm on is called, "My Life" and it doesn't end until I do)

But, I'm still allowed to be annoyed. I'm still allowed to want to eat an entire pizza followed by an entire cake. I'm still allowed to feel like I want to quit.

What I'm not allowed to do is let being annoyed derail me. I'm not allowed to eat my feelings.

I'M NOT ALLOWED TO QUIT.

So although the Plateau is after me, I'll fight it. I'll fight it like Luke fights the Dark Side. Like Harry fights Voldemort. Like Ricky Bobby fights Jean Girard.

Suck It! Plateau-YOU WILL NOT DEFEAT ME!



Because (and this is for Angela "Boobies" Ilich) a year ago I looked like this...



and now I look like this.....


But the goal is to look like this....



So giving up is NOT an option....

XOXO
Stew

Get Back On That Horse

When I was 22 or 23 I went horseback riding. I went with a group of friends and my mom, who's always up for an adventure, came along. About halfway through the ride my horse stumbled on a large rock as we were running and I went face first into the ground. (Note to self: Break fall with HANDS, not FACE) I was fine. Bumped, bruised and scraped, but altogether fine, albiet a bit shaken up. On the other hand, my mom was terrified. This was around the same time that Christopher Reeve was thrown from his horse and paralyzed. As I lay on the ground thinking, "I'm mortified, can I just get up now?", my mom, voice shaking, was asking the trail guide to "get her off the (f-word-ing) horse." I'm her baby after all. If this was scary for me, it was twice as scary for her. In fact, my first visit to the emergency room was probably more traumatic than the incident itself, but I digress.

About a month after the accident, when I was all healed, my mom insisted we go for another ride. Her reasoning? That old saying, "You gotta get back on the horse." She refused to let the last memory of horseback riding for both of us be a traumatic one. So, we went for a lovely ride. Shaky at first, but we did it. My mom was right. We had to make a bad experience better.

I recently signed up for a Summer Series of 5Ks at the local community college. Every Thursday for eight weeks in the summer, a group of people get together and run a pretty difficult cross country trail that goes through the college and into the surrounding hills.

I only started running in October. I'm slow and I prefer pavement. I know it's harder on my body, but I like it. The city I live in has 30 miles of paseos that are perfect for long or short runs. Needless to say, this Summer Series is difficult for me and yesterday was the worst!

First of all it was hot. I live in the Southern California desert and we've had a fairly mild summer by normal standards but it's still hot for running. Secondly, most of the people doing this run are really good runners. Like 200 kids from the local cross country teams and 7 slow pokes. These people are crossing the finish line in 15 minutes. I'm lucky to get in under 40 minutes, so it's a little intimidating. Lastly, I was just plain not feeling it.

So I went yesterday. My friend bought me the series as a birthday gift and I wanted a run and want to do this, right? Honestly, I could have easily been persuaded to blow it off, but I made it there.

Mile One Sucked. I couldn't get a good rhythm in my running or my breathing. It got better when I realized I was further along when the leader past me that I had been the week before but then the water table was set up on the side where the FAST runners were going and I had to STOP, sneak through the line of young, fast, in shape runners to get a drink, then WAIT to find a place to cut through again.

Mile Two Sucked Harder. This is the roughest mile anyway. It has two pretty nasty hills. These hills have been named "F You" and "F You's Little Sister". They suck. I always try to run, but usually end up walking most of them. Again, I couldn't catch my breath and was feeling out of sync. I had a cramp for most of this part of the run that I couldn't shake and my feet hurt during a run for the first time. And the water table had no water left when I ran back by. I was thirsty!

Mile Three Sucked Too. Mile three is usually my best mile in most races. I was annoyed at the water situation, mad at the fact that I was pacing the 70 year old man that "walk/runs" and pissed that I wasn't doing my best. Then, clarity.

I literally thought to myself, "Well, I have to come back next week because this has to be better." Then I thought about horseback riding. I knew in my heart and my head that I couldn't have a bad taste in my mouth about this or any other run for that matter. I KNOW, with certainty, that I will go back next week and try to make it a better experience. I'll go back every week for the next 5 weeks and run. If my last run there feels bad, I may go back again to make it better. (Although the In-N-Out Truck comes after the last run, so I think I'll have very warm and fuzzy feelings after that race ;) )

That's the point, right? When we have negative experiences, we can choose to leave them in our memories or we can choose to replace them with better, more positive ones.

I'm trying to replace my negative trail running feelings with positive ones. It may take one more run or one hundred more runs, but I think I can do it. Maybe when I can start running as fast on hills as I do on the road or maybe when I just have a particularly strong day and it feels really good. Either way, I'm not going to stop trying to make the last memory a good one.

I'm going to keep getting back on that horse.

12 Races in 2011!

So, about 2 months ago I decided I was going to do a race a month for the rest of the year...then looking back, I realized at the end of the year I will have participated in some way in 12 races in 2011.
Here's a rundown of what I've participated in so far and a wrap up of my latest race!

It was last October when I decided (with the help of some friends) that I needed to start taking better care of me. At the time, if someone asked me if I ran my answer was always, "Only if someone's chasing me". Who would've thought that 9 months later I would be a runner? I can say I'm a runner for two reasons:

1. I'm obsessed with any and all running accessories! Road ID bracelet-check! UV arm muffs-Check! Belt with water bottles on it-Check! Fancy compression socks-Check! New shoes and newer shoes-check! Next purchase is that super fancy Garmin watch that Staci has....oooooh I want one, but I promised I'd lose 5 more pounds first!

2. I smile when I see a photographer during races.

In November I started C25K and decided I would run the 5K that I was co-chairing. Well, I didn't run that race BUT I have done A LOT more!

Here's a quick recap of what I've done so far:

Race #1
3/5/2011- Mardi Gras Madness 5K - Goals were- under 45 minutes, run the whole time, don't come in last
Finished in 40:22, ran the whole time, didn't come in last!!!!

Race #2
3/12/2011- St Patrick's Day 5K-Goals were under 50 minutes (it was a tough cross country course with big hills), don't come in last.
Finished in 47:12, didn't come in last

Race #3
4/9/2011- Footsteps 5K-Goals were under 40 minutes, don't come in last
Finished in 39:36, didn't come in last

Race #4
4/17/2011-Down & Dirty Mud Run-Goals were have fun, finish!
Finished in 1:02...I had no idea what to expect but it was so much fun, I'll definitely do it again!

Race #5
5/14/2011-BMCF Fight It! 5K-I didn't run this race, but I co-chaired it. It was by far the hardest thing I've ever done (and I'm still finishing a few loose ends) however, it was rewarding and exciting as well. We had over 380 runners and raised over $21,000 for a great cause. This was the hardest "race" I've ever done. No amount of training can prepare you for the amount of work it takes to put on a successful event!

Race #6
6/5/2011-Love Run 10K-Goals were to run the whole time, finish, don't be last (and my secret goal was under an hour and a half)
Finished in 1:22:12, ran the whole time, finished and not last!

Now that we're all up-to-date...Here's a recap of yesterday's race!

Race #7
7/4/2011-Independance Day Classic 5K-Goals were to run the whole time and finish under 39 minutes
Unofficial time is 38:18! I ran the whole time and it was HOT!!!!

We all wore red, white and blue! Shout out to Nicole for the cutest running outfit EVER! (That's her in the tutu if you didn't already figure it out!) This is the first race I didn't wear my "That's not sweat it's my fat crying" shirt....but I made up for it.....



I wrote it on my arm along with "Sub 39:00" to remind me what I was doing there and that I had a new goal for a personal record!

That afternoon someone turned my joke around and said, "I can't believe you ran! Was someone chasing you?"
My answer? "Absolutely someone was chasing me! Me....70 pounds ago!" I'm definitely running away from the out-of-shape 70 pound heavier me and toward something soooo much better!

Something better like my next 5 races!

Race #8
8/21/2011-Mc Connell's 10K Santa Barbara
Race #9
9/3/2011- Disneyland 5K
Race #10
10/2/2011-Santa Monica 5000 10K
Race #11
11/6/2011-Santa Clarita Marathon 5K
Race #12
12/4/2011-Rock n Roll 1/2 Marathon in VEGAS!

I also plan on doing more Fun Runs, Running Pub Crawls and training of course. Running has become a big part of my life! I can't believe I'm saying it, but I LOVE IT!

For those of you who think, "I can't run!" You can! I always thought I wasn't a runner, but I'm just not a fast runner. I can do it because my body is so much stronger than I give it credit for! So give your body the credit it deserves and take it for a run!

I Ran a 10K! Who am I?

This past Sunday I participated in The Love Run 5K/10K to benefit Senior Concerns. This great charity raises money to bring "Meals on Wheels" to senior citizens. It was a great day, a great event and a great run! Let's go back a little bit....

After finishing my 3rd 5K in April, I decided I wanted to try a 10K. Some friends, who will remain nameless but you know who you are (CAT AND ANG!), were trying to talk me into running a half marathon and I thought I could placate them by signing up for a 10K as a test run.
I found The Love Run and a 10K in August on raceplace.com and proceeded to sign up for them as preparation for the half I MAY or MAY NOT sign up for. Lo and behold, I signed up for the half marathon a full 3 days before I ever ran the 10K. But I digress....

I've been training with my running buddies, Heather (aka Ditto), Ryan (a girl with a boy's name) and Lindsey (aka Lu)...we did weekly runs, slowly added a half a mile or so each week. However, last week I came down with a cold. I wanted to be healthy for the 10K, so I eased back on my exercise and DOUSED myself with vitamin C.

I had 3 simple goals for the race:

1. Run the whole time
2. Finish
3. Don't be last

I didn't want to give myself a time goal, but secretly I was hoping to get in under 1 hour and 30 minutes!

We carbed up on pasta the night before and on race day Ditto picked us up at 5:30am the morning of the run! We stopped at Starbucks for our morning burst of energy and as we walked out Ryan gasped!

A FULL rainbow was over us!


We could literally see where it hit the horizon on both ends! Lu was about to ditch the race to find the leprechaun and the pot of gold!

We headed down to the race, picked up our packets and bibs and stretched! The race started a bit late, but here's how I felt mile by mile.

Mile One:
About 30 minutes before I took some "Sports Beans", this is the best I've felt on a first mile before. I don't know if it was all in my head, but I found a great stride and got lost in my music. At this point I was still with a large pack because the 10K and 5K were intermingled.

Mile Two:
Still doing ok, music still rocking. What pushed me forward? The hairy man!!! There is a man who does all the races in the SCV and no matter the season or weather, he wears short shorts and no shirt and he is HAIRY! This race was at least 40 minutes from home and there he was, sweat glistening off of his shoulder hair, motivating me to get keep going. Thanks hairy man...whoever you are!!!

Mile 3:
LONGEST.MILE.EVER! I'm admittedly the slowest of my friends and all I wanted to do was see them at the turn around because it meant I was almost there! When I finally did run by them, I made them take out their headphones so I could yell, "HAIRY MAN!"

Mile 4: By far the BEST mile of the race. Every song on my shuffle was AWESOME! My theme song came on. I sang out loud and ran. By this time, I was pretty much alone. It seems I'm the slowest of the runners, but faster than the walkers.

Mile 5: Still feeling good!

Mile 6: This was a tough one, a bit of an incline and this one girl was pacing me. She'd pass me, then walk. Every time I passed her, she wasn't having it and would run again. That is, until the last .2 miles. She literally stopped running and started texting. I said to myself, "Peace out Homie!" and started booking. My body hurt the second I could see the finish line, but I finished strong.

Time: 1:24: 42
Then it was time for the chip time, it actually took us almost 3 minutes to start so my official time: 1:22:12!!!!!

I met all my goals! Even my secret one! All in all a great day! I can't wait for my next 10K in August. This one has an added benefit, an ice cream sundae bar at the end of the race! Yes please!
And I'm doing it, The Rock N Roll Half Marathon in Vegas in December.

As my friend April would say, "The Heather of 5 years ago is saying, 'What the hell?'" Shoot, the Heather of ONE year ago is saying that!

Thanks Ditto, Lu and Ryan for a fun run and being great support!



XOXO
STEW

I Ran a 10K! Who am I?

This past Sunday I participated in The Love Run 5K/10K to benefit Senior Concerns. This great charity raises money to bring "Meals on Wheels" to senior citizens. It was a great day, a great event and a great run! Let's go back a little bit....

After finishing my 3rd 5K in April, I decided I wanted to try a 10K. Some friends, who will remain nameless but you know who you are (CAT AND ANG!), were trying to talk me into running a half marathon and I thought I could placate them by signing up for a 10K as a test run.
I found The Love Run and a 10K in August on raceplace.com and proceeded to sign up for them as preparation for the half I MAY or MAY NOT sign up for. Lo and behold, I signed up for the half marathon a full 3 days before I ever ran the 10K. But I digress....

I've been training with my running buddies, Heather (aka Ditto), Ryan (a girl with a boy's name) and Lindsey (aka Lu)...we did weekly runs, slowly added a half a mile or so each week. However, last week I came down with a cold. I wanted to be healthy for the 10K, so I eased back on my exercise and DOUSED myself with vitamin C.

I had 3 simple goals for the race:

1. Run the whole time
2. Finish
3. Don't be last

I didn't want to give myself a time goal, but secretly I was hoping to get in under 1 hour and 30 minutes!

We carbed up on pasta the night before and on race day Ditto picked us up at 5:30am the morning of the run! We stopped at Starbucks for our morning burst of energy and as we walked out Ryan gasped!

A FULL rainbow was over us!


We could literally see where it hit the horizon on both ends! Lu was about to ditch the race to find the leprechaun and the pot of gold!

We headed down to the race, picked up our packets and bibs and stretched! The race started a bit late, but here's how I felt mile by mile.

Mile One:
About 30 minutes before I took some "Sports Beans", this is the best I've felt on a first mile before. I don't know if it was all in my head, but I found a great stride and got lost in my music. At this point I was still with a large pack because the 10K and 5K were intermingled.

Mile Two:
Still doing ok, music still rocking. What pushed me forward? The hairy man!!! There is a man who does all the races in the SCV and no matter the season or weather, he wears short shorts and no shirt and he is HAIRY! This race was at least 40 minutes from home and there he was, sweat glistening off of his shoulder hair, motivating me to get keep going. Thanks hairy man...whoever you are!!!

Mile 3:
LONGEST.MILE.EVER! I'm admittedly the slowest of my friends and all I wanted to do was see them at the turn around because it meant I was almost there! When I finally did run by them, I made them take out their headphones so I could yell, "HAIRY MAN!"

Mile 4: By far the BEST mile of the race. Every song on my shuffle was AWESOME! My theme song came on. I sang out loud and ran. By this time, I was pretty much alone. It seems I'm the slowest of the runners, but faster than the walkers.

Mile 5: Still feeling good!

Mile 6: This was a tough one, a bit of an incline and this one girl was pacing me. She'd pass me, then walk. Every time I passed her, she wasn't having it and would run again. That is, until the last .2 miles. She literally stopped running and started texting. I said to myself, "Peace out Homie!" and started booking. My body hurt the second I could see the finish line, but I finished strong.

Time: 1:24: 42
Then it was time for the chip time, it actually took us almost 3 minutes to start so my official time: 1:22:12!!!!!

I met all my goals! Even my secret one! All in all a great day! I can't wait for my next 10K in August. This one has an added benefit, an ice cream sundae bar at the end of the race! Yes please!
And I'm doing it, The Rock N Roll Half Marathon in Vegas in December.

As my friend April would say, "The Heather of 5 years ago is saying, 'What the hell?'" Shoot, the Heather of ONE year ago is saying that!

Thanks Ditto, Lu and Ryan for a fun run and being great support!



XOXO
STEW