I Owe Me An Apology

Dear Heather of One Year Ago,

I owe you an apology.

Hell, I owe you a couple of apologies.

I owe you an apology for not taking care of you like I should have.
I owe you an apology for not giving you the credit you deserve.
I owe you an apology for the time I wasted when I was you.

But most of all, I owe you an apology for not loving you enough.

It’s time for some brutal honesty. Sometimes, when I look at pictures of you, I hate you. I’m disgusted by you. I can’t even look because I feel like you’re such a failure.

But I am wrong. I am SO VERY wrong.

It was you.

It was you that took the first step on the track with your friends.
It was you who decided to run that first 5K.
It was you that started buying healthier items at the store and logging every bite of food.
It was you that started this path I’m on.

It was you.

How can I hate the person who believed in me the most? You didn’t give up. The things we do to our body now were far more difficult for you when you started.

Remember the first night you decided to run the straight-aways at the track?
You waited until everyone you knew was gone, so only strangers would see you look foolish. That is 1/16th of a mile. Now you’re training to run a 13.1 with your friends.

Remember the first spin class?
You chose the bike closest to the door so you could leave when you wanted. You didn’t stand up when the teacher did. In your head , if you pedaled the whole time it was a victory. Now you go at least once a week and easily keep up with the teacher.

Remember the skinny jeans at the top of the closet?
You worked you’re a$$ off until they fit and you shrunk out of them before you could even wear them out.

It was you this whole time.

We still have a long way to go, but I would be mistaken if I continued to treat you with disrespect because you helped me become me.

At my current weight and fitness level I face a different bunch of challenges that will be so much easier because I got to learn from you.

So, although you may be surprised at what we can do now- don’ t be. It’s because of YOU that I am where I am today.

Thank you, Heather, from the bottom of my (much healthier) heart for taking those first steps.

Thank you for making goals and sticking to them.

Thank you for making me so much healthier and happier.

Thank you.

Love,
Yourself

NO,REALLY! LOVE YOURSELF!

What Moves You?

I went for a pretty good run this morning. My proposed 2 miles turned into almost 3 and a half. This was surprising because I almost didn’t get out of bed. The excuses were flying around in my brain like bees around the hive. I’m realizing that I have multiple personalities and the conversations go like this:

Old Heather: I didn’t go to bed until midnight.

New Heather(THE REAL ME!): So, you still got a good 6 hours of sleep

Mean Heather: Yeah, fatty. Get up! You don’t want to get all chunky monkey again do ya?

Old Heather: I worked out twice yesterday!

New Heather: That’s awesome! You can still run this morning!

Mean Heather: Bully for you, LAZY A$$, now GTF UP!

Old Heather: You guys suck

New Heather: You’ll thank us for this later

Mean Heather: Suck it, GET UP!

Then I get up and get going. What can you do? Old Heather tries to talk the others out of the run until I get going and then suddenly she’s gone. She vanishes in a whirl of pounding pavement, sweat and music. Mean Heather quiets down. She likes running but she’ll be back if I ever want to quit.

The question still remains, once I’m up and going what is it that helps me continue? It’s the MUSIC. This morning as I ran, I realized that although my running mix is varied and may sound strange to others, it’s perfect for me. It reflects my personality(s) and keeps me motivated on my journey.

One of the first songs that came on today was “Let it Rock” by Kevin Rudolf. Holy Moly! This is a good one. It’s electric and rockin’ and the lyrics always get me! “Because when I arrive I bring the fire” YEAH I DO! And this other line that I fear will get me in trouble one day, “But it broke his heart so he stuck his middle finger to the world, to the world, to the world”…Probably not a good idea to accidentally flip off cars as I run!

Next it was Elphaba and Glinda. The line in “Defying Gravity” where Elphaba finally decides that she’s going to go her own way makes me want to spread my arms and run downhill. If I’m lucky enough to be running downhill when it comes on, this is exactly what I do. “Everyone deserves their chance to fly! And if I’m flying solo, at least I’m flying free.” Running is such a solitary thing for me, but I love it.

Then it got all sexy up in my shuffle! Ladies and Gentleman, I give to you the Kings of Leon! “Sex on Fire” makes me run faster! Why? Because it reminds me of how much better sex is gonna get as I get more confident with my body. Another good one? “Come on Get Higher” by Matt Nathanson (or covered by Sugarland). **Mom, if you’re reading this I IMAGINE sex will be awesome when I’m more confident…I don’ t really know!*** For the rest of you - "Bow chicka bow wow" (if you get my meaning ;) )

And then you can be magically whisked away to England! Ah for the love of Mumford and Sons! “I will hold on hope and I won’t let you choke on the noose around your neck. AND I’LL FIND STRENGTH IN PAIN AND I WILL CHANGE MY WAYS, I’LL KNOW MY NAME WHEN IT’S CALLED AGAIN” Hello?! If that isn’t a metaphor for my life what is? Finding strength in pain and changing my ways….

Then there are a couple of songs that I put on the shuffle just because I liked them and while I’m running they come on and I realize they literally have the word “run” in them…

In “Mama Said” by Lenny Kravitz he sings, “And I’m always on the run!”

Or Florence and the Machine in “Dog Days are Over” she sings, “ You better run for your mother, run for your father, run for the children for your sister and your brother!” This is a reminder that I’m not only doing this FOR me, but to be a BETTER me and that benefits everybody!

Suddenly the shuffle goes country! Thanks to Rascal Flatts “Feels like Today” is my theme song. Another song with the word “run” and it inspires me to make TODAY the day I’m going to be healthy and happy!

This morning I got a strange new song to make me run! “In Your Eyes” by Peter Gabriel pops on. Too slow? NEVER! This song makes me want to persevere with the same defiance as Lloyd Dobbler holding up the boom box outside of Diane Court’s house. He isn’t giving up on her and I’m not giving up on me.

And after all of this almost 40 minutes have passed… I finish with a little Dave Matthews Band. “Lie in Our Graves” and the following line, “Would you not like to be sitting on top of the world with your legs hanging free? Would you not like to be okay, okay, okay” As a matter of fact Dave, I DO want to be okay. That’s why I run.

As I walk into my door the music ends and with it ends the silence of those voices in my head. This time the conversation is a bit different.

Old Heather: Wow! That was great. I’m really proud of you.

Mean Heather: Nice job kid, don’t forget to do the same thing tomorrow!

New Heather: Thank you.

Lloyd won't give up



Neither will I...

Matter Over Mind

"The good Lord gave you a body that can stand most anything. It's your mind you have to convince."
— Vince Lombardi

I’ve thought a lot about the words “I Can’t”. There are a lot of things I can’t do.

I can’t fly an airplane.
I can’t surf.
I can’t play the guitar.
I can’t rewire a computer.

But the thing is I CAN learn to do all of those things…if I wanted to. Honestly, I have no interest in flying an airplane or rewiring a computer (the surfing and guitar would be cool though, bucket list time!)

BUT when it comes to my body, as of today, there is NOTHING I CAN’T DO.

When I first started running, I would get tired so quickly. At the time, I couldn’t run a mile. I pushed myself and trained until I COULD do it.

I remember a particularly challenging run when I was bargaining with myself. “Heather, if you make it to that tree, you can walk for one song.” “Heather, if you make it to the light post, you can walk for a 20 count.” But my body would keep going. In my head I wanted to stop. My body and more importantly, MY HEART…wasn’t hearing it.

In fact, at one point I was walking and I didn’t even know I had stopped running. My body KNEW when I couldn’t go anymore and slowed down, but my mind was still running.

It’s difficult to match your body and your mind. The mind is a tricky and slow thing. My mind doesn’t always seem to know what’s going on with me.

It tells me to stop when I can still go.
It thinks I can’t fit into clothes at some stores when, in fact, I probably can.
It doesn’t recognize the person in the mirror at a glance and does a double take.
It says I can’t.

If you were doing something and someone you knew or even some stranger looked at you and said you can’t, would you listen? Or would it make you want to try even harder? Would you sit back and listen to the naysayers or would you get stubborn and do whatever it takes to prove them wrong?

For many of us, someone else telling us we can’t just makes us more determined to prove that we can. Why do we insist on proving others wrong but we still let the voices in our head deter us from our goals and dreams?

I WANT TO PROVE MYSELF WRONG!

It’s time to tell our minds to SHUT IT!
It’s time to listen to our bodies. It’s time to listen to our hearts.

I CAN! Can you?

The First Step

Have you ever watched a baby learn to walk? The little one is all full of trepidation and wobbling. They hold on to the coffee table or their mommy or the couch. They refuse to let go until something in them switches and they just KNOW they can do it and suddenly they’re walking….and then they don’t stop.

That’s how I felt at the beginning of this journey. As I come up upon the one year mark I see that we take first steps every day. Sometimes we’re wobbly, sometimes we jump up and go. Either way, once you’ve taken that first step all the steps that come after seem a bit easier.

I’ve been trying to run in the mornings. I really love the way I feel when I’ve accomplished my run before many people I know have even gotten out of bed. I love that I pass the same guy who can only be described as FAAAAST (he passed me 3 times yesterday) and the same older lady who won’t even nod “hello”, she just stares straight ahead. Maybe I’m scary at 6:30am? No, for sure I’m scary that early. I love that it’s cool out and even though I sweat it’s not unbearable.

I hate getting up that early. I like to sleep. I have a hard time falling asleep. My mind races when I lay in bed because, well, it’s the only time I stop. I go, go, go all day and my brain finally has some time to work stuff out at night. This means I often don’t fall asleep at a decent hour so I definitely don’t want to wake up at the a$$ crack of dawn.

However, I’ve come to notice that once I’m up, I’m up. If I can just get my two feet on the floor and butt out of bed, then it all comes naturally. I brush my teeth, wash my face, change into my running clothes, turn on my Garmin and I’m gone.

It’s totally that first step.

It’s the same way with this whole journey. Once I started making the commitment to living healthier I couldn’t stop. Do I have moments of weakness? Of course. I like sweets and fried food and beer. Do I have moments of laziness? Of course. Sometimes the best thing you can do for yourself is sit on your booty and rest. However, I can’t stop living like this. It’s like a baby learning to walk and then thinking, “Meh, This blows. I'll just crawl or that nice lady I call Mommy will carry me....forever.”

Once you start, you can’t stop.

Life often gets in the way. A lot of people have ups and downs on the journey to look better, feel stronger and live healthier. The thing is, if we would only remember that the first step is the hardest we’d realize how easy the rest of it is. It becomes second nature, like putting one foot in front of the other.

So the next time my alarm goes off at that god-awful early time, I’ll try, in my weakened and sleepy state, to remember that this is the hardest part.

I’m not saying the rest will be easy. There are decisions that have to be made and pressures that have to be dealt with. We all have crazy schedules, different amounts of stress and friends who can eat whatever they want and never exercise.

But once we stop wobbling we can use our courage, our determination and our new-found strength to let go of the coffee table and move forward towards our goals.

Ch-ch-ch-changes

When you are through changing, you are through. ~Bruce Barton





So, I've had a rough week. I know, it's only Tuesday but I'm overwhelmed.



As usual, I have over-committed myself to a variety of causes that I feel strongly about on top of school, work and taking care of myself. I do this to myself and I sincerely want to be a part of everything that I commit to. It's just that every once in a while it feels so big that I want to crawl in bed and do nothing but eat those oreos that are backwards (you know, vanilla cookie/chocolate creme) and watch reruns of Sex and The City, hoping and praying that no one will find me.



At least, that's what I USED to want to do...



NOW I WANT TO RUUUUUUNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!!!!!



I think what's peeving me is the fact that these things I've committed to are getting in the way of my commitment to myself.



That's a refreshing and lovely change.



Who'd have thunk I would be pissed because MY world doesn't revolve around me.



This is a way of thinking that I'm not sure I was prepared for.



I was so stressed last night that I accidentally left my gym bag on the floor of my office and I keep EVERYTHING in my gym bag that I need for a workout. I kept trying to figure out HOW I could get a workout in without my stuff.



Missing one workout won't kill me. Or will it? I'm not sure.



This week has just gotten so far away from me and there doesn't seem to be an end in sight but what I refuse to lose sight of is my commitment to myself and being a better, healthier, happier me.



It seems that with all the changes I've made in the past 10 months, the biggest one is a shift that was almost imperceptible.

I changed my eating...obvious

I changed my physical activity...obvious

I changed my body...obvious

I changed my attitude...OH SO OBVIOUS



But that change in myself, the change that made ME more important than everyone and everything else...that wasn't quite as obvious until today.



I will remain committed to the things I've promised. I pride myself on being a loyal person who is true to their word. However, I feel myself being drawn to more decisions that have my best interests, my sanity and my happiness at heart.



And that change is far bigger (literally and figuratively) than the smaller pants I changed into today.

WHAT IS SEXY?

What is Sexy?



What a question! How the hell do I know? I’ve spent the majority of the years where it’s acceptable to look sexy looking (and feeling) lumpy. Have there been sexy moments, of course, but have I ever REALLY LOOKED OR FELT SEXY?

NOPE!



I’m not sure I would have known what sexy looked like if it stared at me from the mirror…



Until recently…



Suddenly, I have these moments. It’s not a 24/7 thing, but there are these chunks of time where I KNOW, without a shadow of a doubt what sexy looks like…



It looks like cheekbones that are more pronounced and make my smile bigger and my eyes brighter.



It looks like less chins. There’s still at least two where one should be, but that’s less than the original four.



It looks like a chest. Whereas my breasts are failing me (falling down, down, down…nothing some store-bought , new SUPER boobs won’t fix…I see plastic surgery in my future), I have this new area below my chins and above my breasts that’s kind of lovely. My necklace no longer gets lost in the fat rolls in my neck…OH WAIT, I actually have a neck!



It looks like a waist. A what? OH, that! It’s a waist and I actually have one of those too.



It looks like a narrower booty! (I just hope it doesn’t go away, I like my A$$!)



It looks like legs that are strong and getting stronger and smaller….legs that I can actually cross at the knee instead of the ankle…which by the way are no longer cankles.



You know what’s even more awesome? I know what sexy FEELS like now too!



It feels like sweat running down my face when I’m pounding the pavement.



It feels like freedom when you finally hit the downhill on the tough cross country course.



If feels like tight hamstrings and sore core muscles after a spin class.



It feels like not wanting to take off your workout clothes after a tough run as if to scream to the world, “I just ran 6 miles! What have you done today?”



It feels like inspiration, motivation, determination and strength.



As I reminisce about times when I felt low or frumpy or lumpy I can’t help but have bit of regret over the years I wasted feeling that way, when all it would’ve taken was some physical exercise. The simple truth is this and it’s so freakin’ obvious: Until you see yourself as sexy, you won’t be sexy. Sexy isn’t just a look or a feeling, it’s an attitude.



It’s an attitude that I am happy to adopt.



So today when you’re working out or hanging out or even chillin’ out, take a minute, get in the zone and adopt the sexy. It may be the best thing you’ve ever done for yourself.



It’s one of the best gifts I’ve given to my own SEXY self!







THAT IS ONE SWEATY, SEXY BEEYOTCH!!!!

Decisions, Decisions...

I remember someone once telling me that we “choose our attitudes, so we should always choose to have a good one.” I always kind of thought that this was BS. I mean, what if I’m having a bad day and my boss is a jerk and I fight with my boyfriend and get in a car accident. Really? Don’t I have the right to have a bad attitude about these things? I mean, they’re sucky and I don’t want to smile and pretend to be happy when my boss treats me poorly or I’m handing my insurance card to the other driver. I’m a firm believer in owning your emotions.



BUT, I am also a big believer in making decisions. I feel like there is a difference between a decision and a choice.



A choice is something you do on a test:



Today I will be



a. Happy

b. Sad

c. Overly-enthusiastic

d. Angry



Sometimes I feel ALL of those emotions in one day. I own them, but what I DECIDE is that I won’t let the negative emotions derail my efforts to do my best and to be my best.



I’m not perfect by any means, but I try to make good decisions.



I DECIDE to pack my gym bag every night before I go to sleep so I have no excuse not to take it in the morning.



Then I DECIDE to bring it into my office and sit it on the floor, so I won’t have an excuse not to go to the gym after work. (It’s staring at me with those googly-eyes….”You’d better hit the gym, lady!!!”)



I DECIDE that I will run in the morning because its summer and it gets hot and I’ll most likely flake and complain if I plan to run in the evenings.



I DECIDE to buy healthy food so even when I’m feeling down and want to shovel food in my face, my choices are limited to healthy snacks.



I DECIDE not to eat 100% clean. That a night on the town with my friends that includes an adult beverage is good for my soul and that’s just as important as my body.



I DECIDE that I will appreciate my blessings and accomplishments (which is not always easy because as human beings we tend to focus on the negative)



I DECIDE that I will try to remain a positive influence on my friends and the world around me. Nothing good will come from me being negative. When I have those “not so positive” moments I have them, but then I DECIDE to focus on something else.



I DECIDE.



I will never be the kind of person who makes every situation rainbows and butterflies. In fact, I don’t want to be that person. Some problems are not meant to have a positive spin, but they are meant to have a solution. I want to recognize a challenge and find a way to overcome it not dress it up in an evening gown and call it Ms. Congeniality.



Maybe I’m splitting hairs. Choice or decision? What’s the real difference? The difference for me is that sometimes I have NO choice over my feelings or my reactions, they are emotional and they just happen. But lucky for this control-freak, I have TOTAL power over the decisions I make. I am the Queen of Decision Land and I rule over my subjects with a firm hand.



I will do everything that I can to make positive and life-changing, life-making decisions.



So today I will make healthy food DECISIONS even though I’m eating out with friends. I will go to spin class after work even though I DECIDED to run 2.5 miles this morning.



What will you DECIDE to do today?