Tuesday 11/15/2011
Today, I had a bad day.
I couldn't put my finger on it, but I was blue.
I wanted to crawl back into bed and get out tomorrow.
I'm sure there are a plethora of reasons why I could have been sad.
I'm busy. I do it to myself.
I'm overwhelmed with my busy-ness.
I have a hard time shaking the feeling that I'm disappointing people.
I have a hard time shaking the feeling that I'm disappointing myself.
So all day I felt,well, blah.
I knew I had to get a workout in today. I debated running, going to spin, or getting back into bed and exercising my right to change my mind.
But I ran.
I never thought I'd become a runner. I started running because I was stubborn. I decided to do a 5K and wasn't going to stop until I did.
I kept running because it was helping me drop the LBs.
I like making goals. I really like accomplishing goals.
But today I wasn't feeling it. I went anyway.
Here's why:
I like the way my co-workers look at me when I leave with my running clothes on, "There goes that crazy girl on another run..."
I like the way the soccer moms look at me at the park like they're jealous that they don't get to go for a run...
I like it that tomorrow I might hear a friend or an acquaintance say, "I think I saw you running on McBean last night."
But most of all, I like endorphins.
From Wikipedia...
Endorphins ("endogenous morphine") are endogenous opioid peptides that function as neurotransmitters.[1] They are produced by the pituitary gland and the hypothalamus in vertebrates during exercise,[2] excitement, pain, consumption of spicy food, love and orgasm,[3][4] and they resemble the opiates in their abilities to produce analgesia and a feeling of well-being.
( http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/E
ndorphins)
Tonight, on my run, I had a "runner's high". "During a release of endorphins, the person may be exposed to bodily harm from strenuous bodily functions after going past his or her body's physical limit. This means that runners can keep running despite pain, continuously surpassing what they once considered to be their limit"
That pain doesn't have to be physical pain. Today my endorphins helped me with my emotional pain. My blue mood faded a little bit with each thump thump thump of my shoes on the pavement.
With each mile, I felt a little bit better and honestly, if I hadn't seen that coyote next to the paseo, I probably would've run further.
At the end of my run I wasn't happy but I was content.
I was relaxed.
I wasn't overwhelmed.
I felt good.
My body felt good.
My mind felt good.
My soul felt good.
If hindsight is 20/20, then I can see why the old Heather spent a lot of time drowning in melancholy.
She was pre-endorphins.
I'm grateful to the pavement.
I'm grateful to my body.
I'm grateful to be healthy and happy.
I'm so grateful.
We all have days like this. Days that nothing seems to go our way. Days that we simply feel, BLECH.
But it's important to find something that puts things into perspective. Something that makes you feel like your authentic self. Something to bring out those endorphins.
We have a choice, to drown in the sadness or find those endorphins.
I don't think it "is what it is", I think it is what you make it.
Tonight I made that four miles my beeyotch.
Wednesday, November 16, 2011
Wednesday, November 9, 2011
Race #11 SC Marathon 5K: A Lesson in Milestones
For those of you who don't know, I'm running a race for each month of 2011.
Race #1-3/5/2011-Mardi Gras Madness 5K -40:22
Race #2-3/12/2011-St Patrick's Day 5K (tough cross country course)-47:12
Race #3-4/9/2011- Footsteps 5K-39:36
Race #4-4/16/2011 Down & Dirty Mud Run 5K- 1:02
Race #5-5/14/2011 BMCF Fight It 5K-Co-Chair
Race #6-6/5/2011 Love Run 10K (1st 10K)-1:22:12
Race #7- 7/4/2011 Independence Day Classic- 38:18
Race #8 - 8/21/2011 McConnell's Endurance Event 10K- 1:16:09
Race #9 - 9/3/2011 Disneyland 5K - 35:43
Race #10 - 10/2/11 Santa Monica 5000 - 1:15:09
Race #10.5 - 10/23/2011-Sandy Feet 5K-Temecula - 36:04
Race #11 - 11/6/2011 - Santa Clarita Marathon 5K - 34:42
Each year the city I live in, Santa Clarita, hosts a marathon. This marathon is a qualifier for the Boston Marathon so it’s a big deal. There is also a half marathon, a 5K and a 2.6 mile Mayor’s Walk.
Last year at this time I had just begun my journey, I had several friends running that day in the 5K and the half and even one running the marathon. I decided to do the Mayor’s Walk. This is the first fitness event I paid for and fully participated in.
I woke up early, put on my “Mayor’s Walk” shirt, (Such a nerd, I don’t wear race shirts on race day anymore!) and went and did the 2.6 mile walk. It took be about 45 minutes to do it and my friends who did the 5K were waiting at the finish line with a “Go Heather” sign.
Me in 2010... (furthest on left, obvi!)
It was a great experience and the seeds were planted for me wanting to do a race. That day, I thought to myself, “Next year I’m doing the 5K!”
And I did.
I woke up Sunday morning to pouring,driving rain. I’ve never run in the rain before and was very nervous and worried.
I’m a spoiled Southern California girl. There are songs about how it never rains here. When it rains even a quarter of an inch we go on “Storm Watch”! I get that people think it’s crazy and we’re wimps. Well, we are, but I get sunshine 85% of the year. I get poolside weather from April to October. So, call me a wimp….I don’t care.
But it was raining...hard. I decided that I’m doing it. I’m running in the rain. I made this specific goal a year ago. It’s also part of my goal to run a race for each month of 2011. This was my November race, I couldn’t miss it.
I got up, got dressed and headed out.
I met my running buddies, Ditto (who does almost all my races with me) and Deb at Deb’s apartment. Deb’s apartment is literally steps away from the starting line. We drank some coffee, got ourselves nice and toasty and headed down.
We were so close that we went leisurely.
While on the second floor, we looked over the railing and said, “Look at all those poor people standing in the rain, we’re so lucky!” When we hit the street I had a brilliant idea. I said, “I don’t want to fake anything. This is probably gonna suck. But, I’d like to come up with some positive things we can focus on. I’ll start…I’m so glad I bought a HAT!”
Deb, “We all have shirts that zip up to our necks so water doesn’t run down our chest”
“YEAH”
Ditto, “We got to meet at Deb’s so we’ll be back and warm in no time”
“YEAH”
We were laughing, the photographer was taking our picture and the spectators were all walking towards us.
Wait a minute, why are the spectators walking towards us?
Deb says out loud to anyone who may be listening ,“Did the race start?”
Random stranger, “YES!”
I look at my Garmin and it’s 7:03am. The race started at 7:00am. We must’ve been walking in the stairwell when the starting gun went off. We’re dorks!
Luckily it’s a chip timed race, so it didn’t matter too much. We organize ourselves and get going. This is the last I see of my friends who finish in the 28th and 29th minute of the race.
Now, I’m running too fast. I can’t breathe. This has gotten me all discombobulated. I concentrate on regulating my breath with the song that’s on my iPod Shuffle. About half a mile in I relax and get my stride.
Now that I’m in the back with the walkers and very slow runners (I’m just slow, not very slow) I have to get around people. Yelling, “On your left!” messes with my breathing a bit too, but I’m only getting wetter and now there are puddles. My feet are officially soaked and squishy and cold.
People are wearing plastic ponchos and trash bags. I’m in my running clothes. The dry wick clothing keeps the water off of my skin pretty well though, so that’s a bonus. The hat is shielding my face and my shirt has thumb holes so I can hide my frozen fingers in there. I’m not even looking at my Garmin, which is strange for me. I see the 1st mile marker and take a peek. I’m doing pretty well. Wow,
I’m running kind of fast for me.
The race is flat and comfortable (besides the rain). Right before Mile 3 we go on bridges that go over the city streets. For some reason the incline on the bridges feels really steep. I run on these bridges at least once a week, I think maybe I was going faster than usual, but I feel myself slow down and I don’t want to because I’m almost done. I know in my heart, my head and my body that I’m going to PR. I didn’t set a goal for the day, but I wanted to PR really badly.
I see the home stretch. I can’t see my friends, but I can hear them cheering me on, standing in the rain watching for me with my mom. That’s right, my biggest fan was there getting soaking wet just to see me finish. I ran through and saw the time 37:53!
That sounds bad, but it made me feel good! I KNEW I left AT LEAST 3 minutes late. My Garmin said, 34:49, so I felt like I did it!
AND I DID! Official time = 34:42 A full ONE MINUTE AND ONE SECOND FASTER than my previous PR!
(I found my time out while having a much needed recovery beer at 8am)
I guess the point of my story is this: YOU CAN DO IT.
One year ago I was a grossly overweight person who could barely walk 2.6 miles in under an hour and now I’m over 80 pounds lighter and finishing 5Ks in the top 43% of my age group and training for a half marathon.
Everyone’s goals aren’t the same as mine. I don’t think everyone is meant to run like I am but I do believe that if you set your mind to something, if you make a goal and focus on it, you can achieve it.
Believe in yourself.
Tell the excuses to “suck it”
And GO FOR IT.
You’re only a failure if you don’t try.
Me in 2011
Race #1-3/5/2011-Mardi Gras Madness 5K -40:22
Race #2-3/12/2011-St Patrick's Day 5K (tough cross country course)-47:12
Race #3-4/9/2011- Footsteps 5K-39:36
Race #4-4/16/2011 Down & Dirty Mud Run 5K- 1:02
Race #5-5/14/2011 BMCF Fight It 5K-Co-Chair
Race #6-6/5/2011 Love Run 10K (1st 10K)-1:22:12
Race #7- 7/4/2011 Independence Day Classic- 38:18
Race #8 - 8/21/2011 McConnell's Endurance Event 10K- 1:16:09
Race #9 - 9/3/2011 Disneyland 5K - 35:43
Race #10 - 10/2/11 Santa Monica 5000 - 1:15:09
Race #10.5 - 10/23/2011-Sandy Feet 5K-Temecula - 36:04
Race #11 - 11/6/2011 - Santa Clarita Marathon 5K - 34:42
Each year the city I live in, Santa Clarita, hosts a marathon. This marathon is a qualifier for the Boston Marathon so it’s a big deal. There is also a half marathon, a 5K and a 2.6 mile Mayor’s Walk.
Last year at this time I had just begun my journey, I had several friends running that day in the 5K and the half and even one running the marathon. I decided to do the Mayor’s Walk. This is the first fitness event I paid for and fully participated in.
I woke up early, put on my “Mayor’s Walk” shirt, (Such a nerd, I don’t wear race shirts on race day anymore!) and went and did the 2.6 mile walk. It took be about 45 minutes to do it and my friends who did the 5K were waiting at the finish line with a “Go Heather” sign.
Me in 2010... (furthest on left, obvi!)
It was a great experience and the seeds were planted for me wanting to do a race. That day, I thought to myself, “Next year I’m doing the 5K!”
And I did.
I woke up Sunday morning to pouring,driving rain. I’ve never run in the rain before and was very nervous and worried.
I’m a spoiled Southern California girl. There are songs about how it never rains here. When it rains even a quarter of an inch we go on “Storm Watch”! I get that people think it’s crazy and we’re wimps. Well, we are, but I get sunshine 85% of the year. I get poolside weather from April to October. So, call me a wimp….I don’t care.
But it was raining...hard. I decided that I’m doing it. I’m running in the rain. I made this specific goal a year ago. It’s also part of my goal to run a race for each month of 2011. This was my November race, I couldn’t miss it.
I got up, got dressed and headed out.
I met my running buddies, Ditto (who does almost all my races with me) and Deb at Deb’s apartment. Deb’s apartment is literally steps away from the starting line. We drank some coffee, got ourselves nice and toasty and headed down.
We were so close that we went leisurely.
While on the second floor, we looked over the railing and said, “Look at all those poor people standing in the rain, we’re so lucky!” When we hit the street I had a brilliant idea. I said, “I don’t want to fake anything. This is probably gonna suck. But, I’d like to come up with some positive things we can focus on. I’ll start…I’m so glad I bought a HAT!”
Deb, “We all have shirts that zip up to our necks so water doesn’t run down our chest”
“YEAH”
Ditto, “We got to meet at Deb’s so we’ll be back and warm in no time”
“YEAH”
We were laughing, the photographer was taking our picture and the spectators were all walking towards us.
Wait a minute, why are the spectators walking towards us?
Deb says out loud to anyone who may be listening ,“Did the race start?”
Random stranger, “YES!”
I look at my Garmin and it’s 7:03am. The race started at 7:00am. We must’ve been walking in the stairwell when the starting gun went off. We’re dorks!
Luckily it’s a chip timed race, so it didn’t matter too much. We organize ourselves and get going. This is the last I see of my friends who finish in the 28th and 29th minute of the race.
Now, I’m running too fast. I can’t breathe. This has gotten me all discombobulated. I concentrate on regulating my breath with the song that’s on my iPod Shuffle. About half a mile in I relax and get my stride.
Now that I’m in the back with the walkers and very slow runners (I’m just slow, not very slow) I have to get around people. Yelling, “On your left!” messes with my breathing a bit too, but I’m only getting wetter and now there are puddles. My feet are officially soaked and squishy and cold.
People are wearing plastic ponchos and trash bags. I’m in my running clothes. The dry wick clothing keeps the water off of my skin pretty well though, so that’s a bonus. The hat is shielding my face and my shirt has thumb holes so I can hide my frozen fingers in there. I’m not even looking at my Garmin, which is strange for me. I see the 1st mile marker and take a peek. I’m doing pretty well. Wow,
I’m running kind of fast for me.
The race is flat and comfortable (besides the rain). Right before Mile 3 we go on bridges that go over the city streets. For some reason the incline on the bridges feels really steep. I run on these bridges at least once a week, I think maybe I was going faster than usual, but I feel myself slow down and I don’t want to because I’m almost done. I know in my heart, my head and my body that I’m going to PR. I didn’t set a goal for the day, but I wanted to PR really badly.
I see the home stretch. I can’t see my friends, but I can hear them cheering me on, standing in the rain watching for me with my mom. That’s right, my biggest fan was there getting soaking wet just to see me finish. I ran through and saw the time 37:53!
That sounds bad, but it made me feel good! I KNEW I left AT LEAST 3 minutes late. My Garmin said, 34:49, so I felt like I did it!
AND I DID! Official time = 34:42 A full ONE MINUTE AND ONE SECOND FASTER than my previous PR!
(I found my time out while having a much needed recovery beer at 8am)
I guess the point of my story is this: YOU CAN DO IT.
One year ago I was a grossly overweight person who could barely walk 2.6 miles in under an hour and now I’m over 80 pounds lighter and finishing 5Ks in the top 43% of my age group and training for a half marathon.
Everyone’s goals aren’t the same as mine. I don’t think everyone is meant to run like I am but I do believe that if you set your mind to something, if you make a goal and focus on it, you can achieve it.
Believe in yourself.
Tell the excuses to “suck it”
And GO FOR IT.
You’re only a failure if you don’t try.
Me in 2011
Friday, October 28, 2011
Wrapping My Head Around Me
I can’t wrap my head around the new me. My mind is not catching up with my body.
So many people are noticing the changes. I get a lot of compliments and it’s truly lovely.
I smile.
I say “Thank You”.
I joke and tell people to say it again. But I’m consumed with the feeling that I’m still the “fat girl”.
I can’t bring myself to shop for clothes in a regular store. I go to the same stores I went to before and buy clothes because I need the “airbag” of being able to get that bigger size if I need it.
I stare at my body in the mirror, picking apart the “not so great” parts rather than focusing on the really fantastic changes.
I know the people who know me see the difference, but I almost want to wear a sign that says, “I’ve lost over 80 pounds! I’m still fat, but not like I used to be!” so the people who didn’t know me before don’t judge me.
OH LORD! I hate that I even wrote that last sentence.
It’s because I constantly judge ME and this makes me so OVERLY concerned that others are doing it as well.
I never thought that losing weight would solve all my problems. BUT I’ve been blindsided by the fact that it has brought on a different set of issues.
Different body issues.
Different mind issues.
Different spirit issues.
I WANT to feel beautiful and awesome and sexy.
I want to feel strong and thin and fast.
And a lot of the time, I totally do.
However, there’s this chubby girl inside me that hasn’t fully departed and she casts shadows of doubt.
She reminds me that as far as I’ve come, I have further to go.
She reminds me that this next leg of the journey is going to be even more difficult.
And although the realist in me appreciates her candor, it brings the rest of me down.
And I just can’t get her to STFU!
Please believe me when I say that I AM proud of myself.
I, above all, know my sacrifices and hard work and BY NO MEANS do I feel sorry for myself.
I am just ready to look in the mirror and see what everyone else sees.
I remember being overweight and glancing at my reflection in the mirror and wondering who the fat chick was following me. I was in denial about what I truly looked like.
Now it’s the opposite. Where there is a girl with a more pronounced waist and cheekbones and waaaay smaller boobs, I see rolls and fat and ewwwww.
I want to look in the mirror and recognize myself as a friend. I want to see someone that I’m proud of. I’VE WORKED SO HARD! The voices of doubt and negativity are quieter, but they’re still there….and somehow they’re still just a bit louder than my true voice.
So, my newest challenge is not losing weight. I’m doing that, albeit slowly.
It isn’t running farther. I’m doing that too. Slowly as well, but it’s getting done.
It’s not becoming stronger. That’s happening.
My newest (and greatest) challenge is this:
KINDLY AND GENTLY PUT AWAY WHO I WAS AND LISTEN.
LISTEN TO MY *TRUE* VOICE, SO I CAN BECOME WHO I’M MEANT TO BE.
Not just someone who simply IS thinner, faster and stronger
BUT someone who *FEELS*
Thinner
Faster
Stronger
MORE CONFIDENT!
I’m ready for my body, mind and spirit to be on the same page.
I’m ready for my stars to align.
I’m so freakin’ ready.
So many people are noticing the changes. I get a lot of compliments and it’s truly lovely.
I smile.
I say “Thank You”.
I joke and tell people to say it again. But I’m consumed with the feeling that I’m still the “fat girl”.
I can’t bring myself to shop for clothes in a regular store. I go to the same stores I went to before and buy clothes because I need the “airbag” of being able to get that bigger size if I need it.
I stare at my body in the mirror, picking apart the “not so great” parts rather than focusing on the really fantastic changes.
I know the people who know me see the difference, but I almost want to wear a sign that says, “I’ve lost over 80 pounds! I’m still fat, but not like I used to be!” so the people who didn’t know me before don’t judge me.
OH LORD! I hate that I even wrote that last sentence.
It’s because I constantly judge ME and this makes me so OVERLY concerned that others are doing it as well.
I never thought that losing weight would solve all my problems. BUT I’ve been blindsided by the fact that it has brought on a different set of issues.
Different body issues.
Different mind issues.
Different spirit issues.
I WANT to feel beautiful and awesome and sexy.
I want to feel strong and thin and fast.
And a lot of the time, I totally do.
However, there’s this chubby girl inside me that hasn’t fully departed and she casts shadows of doubt.
She reminds me that as far as I’ve come, I have further to go.
She reminds me that this next leg of the journey is going to be even more difficult.
And although the realist in me appreciates her candor, it brings the rest of me down.
And I just can’t get her to STFU!
Please believe me when I say that I AM proud of myself.
I, above all, know my sacrifices and hard work and BY NO MEANS do I feel sorry for myself.
I am just ready to look in the mirror and see what everyone else sees.
I remember being overweight and glancing at my reflection in the mirror and wondering who the fat chick was following me. I was in denial about what I truly looked like.
Now it’s the opposite. Where there is a girl with a more pronounced waist and cheekbones and waaaay smaller boobs, I see rolls and fat and ewwwww.
I want to look in the mirror and recognize myself as a friend. I want to see someone that I’m proud of. I’VE WORKED SO HARD! The voices of doubt and negativity are quieter, but they’re still there….and somehow they’re still just a bit louder than my true voice.
So, my newest challenge is not losing weight. I’m doing that, albeit slowly.
It isn’t running farther. I’m doing that too. Slowly as well, but it’s getting done.
It’s not becoming stronger. That’s happening.
My newest (and greatest) challenge is this:
KINDLY AND GENTLY PUT AWAY WHO I WAS AND LISTEN.
LISTEN TO MY *TRUE* VOICE, SO I CAN BECOME WHO I’M MEANT TO BE.
Not just someone who simply IS thinner, faster and stronger
BUT someone who *FEELS*
Thinner
Faster
Stronger
MORE CONFIDENT!
I’m ready for my body, mind and spirit to be on the same page.
I’m ready for my stars to align.
I’m so freakin’ ready.
I Motivate ME!
***I also blog on a website and sometimes they make it on there, but not here...today I'm posting some old ones :) ***
I went to a Boot Camp last week.
Allow me to preface this story with how welcoming, fun and lovely the people running the Boot Camp were. There was no crazy Louis Gossett, Jr. guy calling me “May-O-Naise” as I drudged through mud and up and over walls. Just a super attractive, really nice couple who took turns leading us through some pretty tough exercises.
It was leg day.
It all started because I have a new friend. He recognized that I’m a “work in progress” and said, “Come to the Boot Camp. It’s free the first time. I’ll be there.”
So, a free Boot Camp, with support. Why not?
Here’s why not….. for me.
I am my own worst critic. I hate, LOATHE, when I can’t do something that everyone else is doing. Then I over do it. Every time I felt like I had to stop, I felt like a failure. This makes me want to quit, which in turn makes me pissed because I’ve come so far.
And apparently, I don’t like positive reinforcement.
My friend was so nice as he tried to motivate and inspire me to keep pushing...
“You got this Heather.”
“Just one more.”
“Don’t you quit”
Until I got to him during some crazy hopping exercise and said as I looked him dead in the eye, “I’d really like it if you just didn’t say anything, AT ALL.”
I MOTIVE MYSELF. I know when I can and can’t.
I know when I need a break.
I KNOW, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that even if a stop to rest I will finish EVERY.SINGLE.REP.
I’m not the fastest or the strongest or the thinnest.
However, I AM the most determined.
I want to succeed.
NO, scratch that, I NEED to succeed.
Failure is not an option and I will continue to push myself until….FOREVER.
So, although I may do another Boot Camp, I don’t want special treatment. I don’t want someone supporting just me.
I support myself.
I MOTIVATE ME.
I went to a Boot Camp last week.
Allow me to preface this story with how welcoming, fun and lovely the people running the Boot Camp were. There was no crazy Louis Gossett, Jr. guy calling me “May-O-Naise” as I drudged through mud and up and over walls. Just a super attractive, really nice couple who took turns leading us through some pretty tough exercises.
It was leg day.
It all started because I have a new friend. He recognized that I’m a “work in progress” and said, “Come to the Boot Camp. It’s free the first time. I’ll be there.”
So, a free Boot Camp, with support. Why not?
Here’s why not….. for me.
I am my own worst critic. I hate, LOATHE, when I can’t do something that everyone else is doing. Then I over do it. Every time I felt like I had to stop, I felt like a failure. This makes me want to quit, which in turn makes me pissed because I’ve come so far.
And apparently, I don’t like positive reinforcement.
My friend was so nice as he tried to motivate and inspire me to keep pushing...
“You got this Heather.”
“Just one more.”
“Don’t you quit”
Until I got to him during some crazy hopping exercise and said as I looked him dead in the eye, “I’d really like it if you just didn’t say anything, AT ALL.”
I MOTIVE MYSELF. I know when I can and can’t.
I know when I need a break.
I KNOW, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that even if a stop to rest I will finish EVERY.SINGLE.REP.
I’m not the fastest or the strongest or the thinnest.
However, I AM the most determined.
I want to succeed.
NO, scratch that, I NEED to succeed.
Failure is not an option and I will continue to push myself until….FOREVER.
So, although I may do another Boot Camp, I don’t want special treatment. I don’t want someone supporting just me.
I support myself.
I MOTIVATE ME.
Do You Really Want to Win? Because I DO!
Here’s the deal. In this life we’re both cheerleaders and players. We are there to cheer our people on. We remain positive when they miss a field goal. We cheer for them when they fumble and encourage and motivate them to get to their goal. But, if there’s one thing I’ve learned in the past year it’s that you have to be your own cheerleader too. I know we need these other cheerleaders in our lives too. I would not have come this far if it hadn’t been for those key people in my life who grabbed their pom pom’s and gave me an “H!” However, I also had to learn to grab my own pom poms. Every time I hit a milestone, did something I couldn’t do before or tried something I wouldn’t have tried before, I had to be on the top of my own victory pyramid.
At the beginning of the football game, the cheerleaders fire up the crowd. They get them excited. They stand at the entrance of the tunnel and cheer for the team to come out. And the team comes out with a vengeance. They run out, pounding their chests, jumping up and down and feeding off the energy of the crowd.
I want to come running into life like that.
I want to be fired up.
I want to jump up and down and pound on my chest.
I will fight like hell to make my goal until the last buzzer sounds. Even if I don’t win, I will not be defeated.
Lately, though, I’ve felt like I’m cheering for the wrong teams. I’m cheering for those who are already defeated. “But” you may say, “those are the ones who need it most!”
What about what I need?
I’m on a journey and it’s starting to hit me that the closer I get to the Heather
I’m supposed to be, the further I’m going to get from the people who were satisfied with the old Heather.
The pushover
The fake-happy
The people-pleaser
The put-my-life-on-hold-to-help-you-deal-with-yours
That girl is going away.
You’re either on the new team bus wearing the school colors or you’re not. And for that matter, if you’re not gonna wave your own flag for yourself, I’m not going to hoist it up for you.
I’m busy waving my own.
The fact is I no longer have the time or energy to continue to fight for those who don’t fight for themselves. I’m living proof that you can drastically change your life. If you don’t like how it’s panning out, do something. You’re not helping anyone by sitting there and feeling bad or living with the status quo because it’s easier.
I was you. I have lost respect for that other me and I’m losing it for you.
DO SOMETHING, ANYTHING.
It’s time to get up, run down the tunnel and pound on your own chest. I’ll be on the sidelines with my pom poms when you’re ready, but until then I’ve got my own game to win.
At the beginning of the football game, the cheerleaders fire up the crowd. They get them excited. They stand at the entrance of the tunnel and cheer for the team to come out. And the team comes out with a vengeance. They run out, pounding their chests, jumping up and down and feeding off the energy of the crowd.
I want to come running into life like that.
I want to be fired up.
I want to jump up and down and pound on my chest.
I will fight like hell to make my goal until the last buzzer sounds. Even if I don’t win, I will not be defeated.
Lately, though, I’ve felt like I’m cheering for the wrong teams. I’m cheering for those who are already defeated. “But” you may say, “those are the ones who need it most!”
What about what I need?
I’m on a journey and it’s starting to hit me that the closer I get to the Heather
I’m supposed to be, the further I’m going to get from the people who were satisfied with the old Heather.
The pushover
The fake-happy
The people-pleaser
The put-my-life-on-hold-to-help-you-deal-with-yours
That girl is going away.
You’re either on the new team bus wearing the school colors or you’re not. And for that matter, if you’re not gonna wave your own flag for yourself, I’m not going to hoist it up for you.
I’m busy waving my own.
The fact is I no longer have the time or energy to continue to fight for those who don’t fight for themselves. I’m living proof that you can drastically change your life. If you don’t like how it’s panning out, do something. You’re not helping anyone by sitting there and feeling bad or living with the status quo because it’s easier.
I was you. I have lost respect for that other me and I’m losing it for you.
DO SOMETHING, ANYTHING.
It’s time to get up, run down the tunnel and pound on your own chest. I’ll be on the sidelines with my pom poms when you’re ready, but until then I’ve got my own game to win.
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
I Owe Me An Apology
Dear Heather of One Year Ago,
I owe you an apology.
Hell, I owe you a couple of apologies.
I owe you an apology for not taking care of you like I should have.
I owe you an apology for not giving you the credit you deserve.
I owe you an apology for the time I wasted when I was you.
But most of all, I owe you an apology for not loving you enough.
It’s time for some brutal honesty. Sometimes, when I look at pictures of you, I hate you. I’m disgusted by you. I can’t even look because I feel like you’re such a failure.
But I am wrong. I am SO VERY wrong.
It was you.
It was you that took the first step on the track with your friends.
It was you who decided to run that first 5K.
It was you that started buying healthier items at the store and logging every bite of food.
It was you that started this path I’m on.
It was you.
How can I hate the person who believed in me the most? You didn’t give up. The things we do to our body now were far more difficult for you when you started.
Remember the first night you decided to run the straight-aways at the track?
You waited until everyone you knew was gone, so only strangers would see you look foolish. That is 1/16th of a mile. Now you’re training to run a 13.1 with your friends.
Remember the first spin class?
You chose the bike closest to the door so you could leave when you wanted. You didn’t stand up when the teacher did. In your head , if you pedaled the whole time it was a victory. Now you go at least once a week and easily keep up with the teacher.
Remember the skinny jeans at the top of the closet?
You worked you’re a$$ off until they fit and you shrunk out of them before you could even wear them out.
It was you this whole time.
We still have a long way to go, but I would be mistaken if I continued to treat you with disrespect because you helped me become me.
At my current weight and fitness level I face a different bunch of challenges that will be so much easier because I got to learn from you.
So, although you may be surprised at what we can do now- don’ t be. It’s because of YOU that I am where I am today.
Thank you, Heather, from the bottom of my (much healthier) heart for taking those first steps.
Thank you for making goals and sticking to them.
Thank you for making me so much healthier and happier.
Thank you.
Love,
Yourself
NO,REALLY! LOVE YOURSELF!
I owe you an apology.
Hell, I owe you a couple of apologies.
I owe you an apology for not taking care of you like I should have.
I owe you an apology for not giving you the credit you deserve.
I owe you an apology for the time I wasted when I was you.
But most of all, I owe you an apology for not loving you enough.
It’s time for some brutal honesty. Sometimes, when I look at pictures of you, I hate you. I’m disgusted by you. I can’t even look because I feel like you’re such a failure.
But I am wrong. I am SO VERY wrong.
It was you.
It was you that took the first step on the track with your friends.
It was you who decided to run that first 5K.
It was you that started buying healthier items at the store and logging every bite of food.
It was you that started this path I’m on.
It was you.
How can I hate the person who believed in me the most? You didn’t give up. The things we do to our body now were far more difficult for you when you started.
Remember the first night you decided to run the straight-aways at the track?
You waited until everyone you knew was gone, so only strangers would see you look foolish. That is 1/16th of a mile. Now you’re training to run a 13.1 with your friends.
Remember the first spin class?
You chose the bike closest to the door so you could leave when you wanted. You didn’t stand up when the teacher did. In your head , if you pedaled the whole time it was a victory. Now you go at least once a week and easily keep up with the teacher.
Remember the skinny jeans at the top of the closet?
You worked you’re a$$ off until they fit and you shrunk out of them before you could even wear them out.
It was you this whole time.
We still have a long way to go, but I would be mistaken if I continued to treat you with disrespect because you helped me become me.
At my current weight and fitness level I face a different bunch of challenges that will be so much easier because I got to learn from you.
So, although you may be surprised at what we can do now- don’ t be. It’s because of YOU that I am where I am today.
Thank you, Heather, from the bottom of my (much healthier) heart for taking those first steps.
Thank you for making goals and sticking to them.
Thank you for making me so much healthier and happier.
Thank you.
Love,
Yourself
NO,REALLY! LOVE YOURSELF!
Friday, September 30, 2011
What Moves You?
I went for a pretty good run this morning. My proposed 2 miles turned into almost 3 and a half. This was surprising because I almost didn’t get out of bed. The excuses were flying around in my brain like bees around the hive. I’m realizing that I have multiple personalities and the conversations go like this:
Old Heather: I didn’t go to bed until midnight.
New Heather(THE REAL ME!): So, you still got a good 6 hours of sleep
Mean Heather: Yeah, fatty. Get up! You don’t want to get all chunky monkey again do ya?
Old Heather: I worked out twice yesterday!
New Heather: That’s awesome! You can still run this morning!
Mean Heather: Bully for you, LAZY A$$, now GTF UP!
Old Heather: You guys suck
New Heather: You’ll thank us for this later
Mean Heather: Suck it, GET UP!
Then I get up and get going. What can you do? Old Heather tries to talk the others out of the run until I get going and then suddenly she’s gone. She vanishes in a whirl of pounding pavement, sweat and music. Mean Heather quiets down. She likes running but she’ll be back if I ever want to quit.
The question still remains, once I’m up and going what is it that helps me continue? It’s the MUSIC. This morning as I ran, I realized that although my running mix is varied and may sound strange to others, it’s perfect for me. It reflects my personality(s) and keeps me motivated on my journey.
One of the first songs that came on today was “Let it Rock” by Kevin Rudolf. Holy Moly! This is a good one. It’s electric and rockin’ and the lyrics always get me! “Because when I arrive I bring the fire” YEAH I DO! And this other line that I fear will get me in trouble one day, “But it broke his heart so he stuck his middle finger to the world, to the world, to the world”…Probably not a good idea to accidentally flip off cars as I run!
Next it was Elphaba and Glinda. The line in “Defying Gravity” where Elphaba finally decides that she’s going to go her own way makes me want to spread my arms and run downhill. If I’m lucky enough to be running downhill when it comes on, this is exactly what I do. “Everyone deserves their chance to fly! And if I’m flying solo, at least I’m flying free.” Running is such a solitary thing for me, but I love it.
Then it got all sexy up in my shuffle! Ladies and Gentleman, I give to you the Kings of Leon! “Sex on Fire” makes me run faster! Why? Because it reminds me of how much better sex is gonna get as I get more confident with my body. Another good one? “Come on Get Higher” by Matt Nathanson (or covered by Sugarland). **Mom, if you’re reading this I IMAGINE sex will be awesome when I’m more confident…I don’ t really know!*** For the rest of you - "Bow chicka bow wow" (if you get my meaning ;) )
And then you can be magically whisked away to England! Ah for the love of Mumford and Sons! “I will hold on hope and I won’t let you choke on the noose around your neck. AND I’LL FIND STRENGTH IN PAIN AND I WILL CHANGE MY WAYS, I’LL KNOW MY NAME WHEN IT’S CALLED AGAIN” Hello?! If that isn’t a metaphor for my life what is? Finding strength in pain and changing my ways….
Then there are a couple of songs that I put on the shuffle just because I liked them and while I’m running they come on and I realize they literally have the word “run” in them…
In “Mama Said” by Lenny Kravitz he sings, “And I’m always on the run!”
Or Florence and the Machine in “Dog Days are Over” she sings, “ You better run for your mother, run for your father, run for the children for your sister and your brother!” This is a reminder that I’m not only doing this FOR me, but to be a BETTER me and that benefits everybody!
Suddenly the shuffle goes country! Thanks to Rascal Flatts “Feels like Today” is my theme song. Another song with the word “run” and it inspires me to make TODAY the day I’m going to be healthy and happy!
This morning I got a strange new song to make me run! “In Your Eyes” by Peter Gabriel pops on. Too slow? NEVER! This song makes me want to persevere with the same defiance as Lloyd Dobbler holding up the boom box outside of Diane Court’s house. He isn’t giving up on her and I’m not giving up on me.
And after all of this almost 40 minutes have passed… I finish with a little Dave Matthews Band. “Lie in Our Graves” and the following line, “Would you not like to be sitting on top of the world with your legs hanging free? Would you not like to be okay, okay, okay” As a matter of fact Dave, I DO want to be okay. That’s why I run.
As I walk into my door the music ends and with it ends the silence of those voices in my head. This time the conversation is a bit different.
Old Heather: Wow! That was great. I’m really proud of you.
Mean Heather: Nice job kid, don’t forget to do the same thing tomorrow!
New Heather: Thank you.
Lloyd won't give up
Neither will I...
Old Heather: I didn’t go to bed until midnight.
New Heather(THE REAL ME!): So, you still got a good 6 hours of sleep
Mean Heather: Yeah, fatty. Get up! You don’t want to get all chunky monkey again do ya?
Old Heather: I worked out twice yesterday!
New Heather: That’s awesome! You can still run this morning!
Mean Heather: Bully for you, LAZY A$$, now GTF UP!
Old Heather: You guys suck
New Heather: You’ll thank us for this later
Mean Heather: Suck it, GET UP!
Then I get up and get going. What can you do? Old Heather tries to talk the others out of the run until I get going and then suddenly she’s gone. She vanishes in a whirl of pounding pavement, sweat and music. Mean Heather quiets down. She likes running but she’ll be back if I ever want to quit.
The question still remains, once I’m up and going what is it that helps me continue? It’s the MUSIC. This morning as I ran, I realized that although my running mix is varied and may sound strange to others, it’s perfect for me. It reflects my personality(s) and keeps me motivated on my journey.
One of the first songs that came on today was “Let it Rock” by Kevin Rudolf. Holy Moly! This is a good one. It’s electric and rockin’ and the lyrics always get me! “Because when I arrive I bring the fire” YEAH I DO! And this other line that I fear will get me in trouble one day, “But it broke his heart so he stuck his middle finger to the world, to the world, to the world”…Probably not a good idea to accidentally flip off cars as I run!
Next it was Elphaba and Glinda. The line in “Defying Gravity” where Elphaba finally decides that she’s going to go her own way makes me want to spread my arms and run downhill. If I’m lucky enough to be running downhill when it comes on, this is exactly what I do. “Everyone deserves their chance to fly! And if I’m flying solo, at least I’m flying free.” Running is such a solitary thing for me, but I love it.
Then it got all sexy up in my shuffle! Ladies and Gentleman, I give to you the Kings of Leon! “Sex on Fire” makes me run faster! Why? Because it reminds me of how much better sex is gonna get as I get more confident with my body. Another good one? “Come on Get Higher” by Matt Nathanson (or covered by Sugarland). **Mom, if you’re reading this I IMAGINE sex will be awesome when I’m more confident…I don’ t really know!*** For the rest of you - "Bow chicka bow wow" (if you get my meaning ;) )
And then you can be magically whisked away to England! Ah for the love of Mumford and Sons! “I will hold on hope and I won’t let you choke on the noose around your neck. AND I’LL FIND STRENGTH IN PAIN AND I WILL CHANGE MY WAYS, I’LL KNOW MY NAME WHEN IT’S CALLED AGAIN” Hello?! If that isn’t a metaphor for my life what is? Finding strength in pain and changing my ways….
Then there are a couple of songs that I put on the shuffle just because I liked them and while I’m running they come on and I realize they literally have the word “run” in them…
In “Mama Said” by Lenny Kravitz he sings, “And I’m always on the run!”
Or Florence and the Machine in “Dog Days are Over” she sings, “ You better run for your mother, run for your father, run for the children for your sister and your brother!” This is a reminder that I’m not only doing this FOR me, but to be a BETTER me and that benefits everybody!
Suddenly the shuffle goes country! Thanks to Rascal Flatts “Feels like Today” is my theme song. Another song with the word “run” and it inspires me to make TODAY the day I’m going to be healthy and happy!
This morning I got a strange new song to make me run! “In Your Eyes” by Peter Gabriel pops on. Too slow? NEVER! This song makes me want to persevere with the same defiance as Lloyd Dobbler holding up the boom box outside of Diane Court’s house. He isn’t giving up on her and I’m not giving up on me.
And after all of this almost 40 minutes have passed… I finish with a little Dave Matthews Band. “Lie in Our Graves” and the following line, “Would you not like to be sitting on top of the world with your legs hanging free? Would you not like to be okay, okay, okay” As a matter of fact Dave, I DO want to be okay. That’s why I run.
As I walk into my door the music ends and with it ends the silence of those voices in my head. This time the conversation is a bit different.
Old Heather: Wow! That was great. I’m really proud of you.
Mean Heather: Nice job kid, don’t forget to do the same thing tomorrow!
New Heather: Thank you.
Lloyd won't give up
Neither will I...
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