Thursday October 7, 2010
I know, I know I shouldn't talk about myself like that. I see all of your faces looking at me, like "Shut Up!". I'm not talking crap about myself, I'm talking reality.
I'm not "pleasantly plump" or "plus sized" like the clothing stores will tell you I am. I'm not "full-figured" or "big and beautiful" like dating sites will tell you. (That really reels the guys in, let me tell you!) I'm not chubby or heavy.
I know how I got here. A steady diet of fat, sugar, heartbreak, self-loathing and beer helped. Combine that with being busy, feeling lazy and REALLY enjoying sitting on my ass on the couch, this is what happens.
I have become a person, I don't recognize. Sometimes I joke, "In my head I'm 5' 10" and 120 pounds" That's a little extreme, but when you walk by a full-length mirror and wonder who the fat chick is following you only to realize it's you--denial is afoot.
I don't feel like I weigh this much (I literally can't say it, it makes me so sick) I know I'll never be thin or skinny and I'm okay with that.
However, I do want to feel better.
I want to feel better physically. I hate running, but I'm jealous of those people who can run because I can't (yet).
I want to feel better mentally. I want to wear something cute and feel cute; not cute for a fat girl.
AND, I want to feel noticed. I know my personality fills a room so you can understand my dismay when I feel invisible. I feel invisible to the opposite sex. I know, it shouldn't matter what they think, find someone who thinks you're beautiful on the inside, blah, blah, blah. It matters. Ask any girl, single or taken, being noticed is NICE. Being invisible is not.
So, I'm working on it. It took a long time. I've always been a late bloomer, but it's time. I don't have any excuses left. It's either fix it and change my life or stay unhealthy and unhappy. I don't really have a choice, do I? Being unhappy, unhealthy and invisible is out of the question if I want the kind of life I know I'm meant to have.
So, Thank you.
Thank you for including me in a way that I didn't feel pressured
But most of all thank you for loving me enough to want to help me help myself.